My Time Of Dying
by Breech Loader
Summary: Caught in a vicious cycle, Scourge can no longer live with being evil, but he doesn't know how to break free. He's ready to end his life to escape it. Sonic wants to help, but it's not enough for things to change; can they change for the better? First-Person, SonOurge
1. My Time Of Dying

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

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Breech: This fanfic was once a one-shot, but it got longer and longer. I'm using my style of First Person Present Tense. The Fourth Wall is also lying choking on its own blood in the dirt.

The Sonourge was going to be subtle, but the Faggotry Factor (I call dibs on that term) got a lot stronger. However, it's going to remain clean. This is a story about Scourge dealing with depression, and oh MAN but it's angsty. According to some of my readers, it makes them cry.

Can things change for the better, instead of just changing?

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Chapter One: My Time Of Dying

Let me tell you what the shitty thing is about being born on Moebius. And it's not the evil twin shit, even though that's pretty damn demeaning. I can handle being Evil. I'm not _that_ proud. Hell, for the longest time I _liked_ being evil.

Hell, I can even live with only living because the Blue Blockhead lives. Pisses me off that he's supposed to be the best, I swear. Living in another guy's shadow sure does suck. But that's not the worst thing. That, I can deal with.

The really shitty thing is all the opposites. Everything that's good in his dimension is bad here. And he's got a lot of goody-goodies hanging around. And you know what that means? That means the Blue Blunder gets all the breaks and I get all the shit. We both get a bunch of hot chicks aimed at us, but his are sweet and cool and they stick to it. Mine are still damn sexy, but they're a bunch of whores and nags and unreliable bitches. And shut the hell up, no, I _don't_ like bitchy cunts just because he doesn't like them either.

I mean, look at Amy versus Rosy. Both obsessive stalkers. But _mine's_ a total psycho who wants to kill me. And you know what the bitchy part is? She used to _like_ me. Sure, she was a creepy little cow, but whatever. Sonic's Amy makes a wish on a Power Ring, to get older. She gets some nicely developing Tee and Ay. My Rosy makes the same wish on one of _our_ Power Rings and guess what happens? She bumps herself up a few years, and turns into a goddamn psycho.

Doesn't stop there. He's got that brat Tails too. Sure, the kid's a freak and a crybaby, but at least he's loyal and honest. My Miles is a backstabbing little bastard who hates me. He's always plotting against me. Hell, he's always plotting against everybody, the cunning little cunt-nugget that he is.

Same goes for all of Sonic's pals. They love him. My posse would just love to use my head as a paperweight if I gave them half the chance. And because this is Moebius, it doesn't matter whether I want to be nice to them or not; if I'm not the biggest asshole who can stamp all over them; the meanest motherfucker on the planet, I'm dead meat.

Now don't get me wrong, the nice guys sure are a bunch of wusses. But they work together a shitton better than the collection of morons in my dimension. If Sonic wants somebody to rely on, he just has to look out the window. If I want loyal mooks I have to scrounge them off Sonic's dimension.

But you know what the worst thing of all is? The shittiest thing? Even doing good things here doesn't cut it. Take my dad… and Sonic's dad. One time I snuck into Sonic's house to give him a good surprise late-night pummelling. His dad spots me and starts lecturing. And that's when it hits me. How much my dimension sucks.

Because my dad was a politician. Kind of an Ambassador. Good at it, too, I guess. My dad brought in the Great Peace to Anti-Mobius, as it was known at the time. Never thought of anything besides bringing peace to the planet. Sure as hell never thought of me. What happens next? Happy, hippy days? Nope, we _still_ get the shitty end of the shit-stick. Why? Because this is Anti-Mobius and good things don't happen here. Mobius is having the helluva war, but do we get perfect peace and a chance for the evolution of society towards happier days? No, we get endless stagnant debates and arguments that try to drag us back to outdated laws and a whole load of corruption instead.

But Sonic? Sonic gets a brave, tough soldier dad who's always there for him and would die for him, even though he's ended up a stupid robot. My dad didn't need to risk his life for me because he led the Great Peace. But that just means he wouldn't have given a shit about me if he did need to. That just means he's a coward. Doesn't matter that he did a good thing, because he's the Anti-Jules; the opposite of a good person, and that just means whatever he does is gonna end up wrong.

Because he's the good guy, Sonic Prime gets to _have_ a father. Mine-

No, I don't wanna think about how that happened again...

And if you're wondering what happened to my mom, well, she died when I was being born. Way-fucking-hey. That's my life. I couldn't even be _born_ without making something bad happen.

Mobius gets rid of its old, weak king and gets democracy, which seems to be working pretty well for those pussies. I kick out that asshole Maxx, and everybody hates me just because I'm the one in charge. If I tried something like 'democracy' on Moebius, my head'd wind up on a spike by the end of the day. Even the best girlfriend I ever had was scrounged from Mobius Prime. And I… I just can't take that shit any more. The way that just because there's so much good on Sonic's world means there has to be so much bad here. We don't get to choose, so that they can. They don't know how good they have it.

Sonic gets those kickass Chaos Emeralds. From the kick I got outta that Master Emerald, those things rock before _and_ after. You can use 'em all you want. I'm still feeling good from my last hit on Angel Island. Moebius gets the Anarchy Beryl, which is kinda like super-cocaine. Nobody hardly touches the stuff because after one use you're out for the best part of the next day.

Oh yeah, and it's addictive as all get-out. Once isn't enough, twice is too many. Trust me, I still keep thinking about my first trip on that shit. Most days I wish I'd never tried it at all.

It used to be that I liked being bad. I guess a lot of me still does get a kick outta smacking heads. I sure like being the best. Except I'm not the best, either, because Sonic Prime busts my ass because however hard I try, I'm still the Evil Sonic and anything I do is evil so he can kick my ass any which way he chooses to slice it and still be the hero.

I know I wouldn't make much of a hero, but I tried, y'know? That ass-bandit Shadow… he's got some qualities I could like if he didn't aim 'em at me. And people call him a hero. I tried fighting the bad guys on Moebius. And we've got them in plenty. What happens? I run the planet, but everybody hates me for being in charge. Which is why I took a jump here through a Super Warp Ring. Okay, I know these people are kinda mad about the time I tried to take over their Freedom HQ but I figured, okay, I'll try busting up this dimension's resident super-asshole. If they're the good guys, they'll give me a second chance, right? And for some fucked up reason, what happens? Sonic the Hero-hog turns up and stops me from killing a goddamn warlord, because he's just _that_ much of a hero.

I didn't know what to think about that, so I just made a run for it.

And anyway, now I'm just sitting a ways outside of New Knothole in a nice, grassy little garden place that I've typically never seen an equivalent of in Moebius. Mobius gets all the nice stuff. But anyway, I'm covered in mud, and leaning back on a tree and thinking how the better a person is in Mobius, the worse they are in Moebius, and how fucking unfair that is. And then I think about what a goddamn fucking awesome hero Sonic is, and I know that I will never, ever be able to be the good guy.

And real fast, before I can change my mind, I flick out my switchblade and apply it to my wrists, and start bleeding, breathing hard and sweating from the sharp pain. Because I'm so sick of living this hellish nightmare of a life. Maybe if somebody finds me here, they'll be sad, because sure as hell nobody on Moebius would be shedding any tears to find my corpse.

I look around me, trying to get comfortable as I bleed to death. There's little cute bubbly watery things squeaking around me. I _hate_ cute, but I can't be bothered to kick them away right now. Too tired… One sniffs up to me.

"Aw, fuck off, ya little… bubble… thing…"

"Chao!"

"Huh. For sure I ain't seen cute shit like you on Moebius. We probably ate you into extinction or something. We're kind of assholes like that…"

"Chao?" It sniffs at my bloody, slashed wrists. It doesn't look exactly happy about them. Tugs on my jacket and tries to hold my hand.

I groan and pat it on the head a bit, "Now piss off and let me die in peace…" For some reason, it looks like it's changing a little, turning a little spiky and, for some reason, a bit green.

Whatever. I'm not in the mood for petting something when I'm gonna bleed to death in a couple of hours. It won't leave me alone now that I've petted it though, so I try to tune it out. Sit back and amuse myself during my last hours thinking about what these things would be like on Moebius. Carnivorous, I guess. Maybe like vultures? It reeks of Chaos Energy. Maybe ours would be a bunch of scavenging junkies.

Typical. Once again, Mobius Prime gets all the nice stuff, and we get the shitty end of the shit-stick. I roll over to the pool, and lie face down and dip my wrists in, letting the blood flow easily.

Which is when I hear the most hated voice in the world approaching.

"Okay, ya nippy little water-balloon, what's so important that you had to- Damn_, Scourge?!_ What're you doing here, Green Faker?" he grabs me by the back of the neck and pulls me out of the water.

"Fucking your mother, that's what," I mutter. He grabs me by my jacket and pulls me up and he's about to punch me in the face, as if I care any more, when he stops, maybe because he's noticed all the blood from where I already slashed my wrists.

"Woah, _shit_. Scourge, what the hell did you _do_ to yourself?!"

"Three guesses…" I stare at the dirt for a while, him holding my jacket. I swallow, and a breath I didn't know I had, hitches up in my chest, "You… you win just because you're the good guy and I have to b-be the… the bad guy… so I have to lose…"

Sonic starts putting me back down, "Scourge, you don't have to be the bad guy. I figure there's gotta be some good in ya, if this little guy didn't want you to die."

"Chao!" it tugs on my shoe and I look down at it. It got a lot bigger real quick, and spiky, too. It looks a lot faster too. Did it run off and fetch the Blue Blunder?

"Oh, piss off, bubble-head… I'm trying to kill myself here…" I resist the urge to kick it.

"It's called a Chao, Scourge. And it's probably just as curious as me, as why you're slashing your wrists in its habitat. What the hell are you doing on Mobius again?"

"Huh…" I pull out my switchblade again, "You got everything. I got nothing…" I stare at the blade, "I worked it out, y'know. I've gotta be a bastard. Because that way you look good. When I come along everybody says 'Wow, that fuck-head makes S-Sonic look even better'! And then, I g-gotta have shitty stuff happen to me, all my life, so that you can have great stuff, rewards for bein' the good guy… Just fuck off and let me bleed, d-dammit…" And I dig the blade into my skin again. It's hard to talk. I didn't mean to start crying but I am anyway.

"Whoa! Shit, Scourge!" Sonic snatches the knife and tosses it away, "Cut that out!" Then he grabs my wrists and he's holding them tight to stop me from cutting deeper, and to stem the bleeding, "Okay, bad choice of words. Don't do that!" My blood is soaking his gloves bright red.

I start talking faster, blurting everything out, and my words start hitching, "You g-get the chicks and the trust and the great parents… Cus everybody here is g-good… And I've g-got a bunch of assholes back on Moebius who want me dead and it wouldn't matter even if you were the bad guy so's I could be the good guy cus you have f-friends and they all hate me…"

"Scourge, I-"

"And you get to be Sonic Prime! I'm j-just a copy… even n-now I'm just your evil tw-twin…" I grit my teeth, but I can't stop the tears running down my face, "Doesn't matter if I'm b-bad or g-good because you're still good…" I'm crying harder now; I didn't mean to but the words won't stop, "What if I don't wanna be bad or good?! Wh-what if I just wanna be _me?_ But I c-can't be, and I… I…"

"Scourge, wait, I didn't realise-"

"I don't wanna li-live like this… I wanna d-die…" He's keeping me from bleeding any further, but he is still holding my wrists to keep me from scratching the cuts open again, not letting me pull away from him, so I'm just sagging, laying there and sweating.

I just keep going and going, ranting on and on, blaming him for my whole shitty life. And why shouldn't I? If I'm from a universe where things have to be opposite, what chance do I have at a happy life if he's got one? I tell him a whole lot of that too, and I tell him that was why I tried to change Moebius as well.

I tell him about how I've started taking pills from Doctor Kintobor just so that I can sleep at night without having nightmares. I tell him about how I've been making myself throw up in secret. I tell him about never mind about Fiona being there; I've just been feeling so fucking _lonely_. I tell him how I tried to overdose on Paracetamol a couple of weeks ago, and how I just want to kill myself.

And then it sinks in that at some point, he has wrapped his strong arms around me and he is holding me. He is wiping the tears off my cheeks with a thumb, and wiping some of the sweat off me. He's rocking me back and forth, holding me to his chest as I sit limp and shaking with emotion. He's muttering something in my ear, and for a while it isn't even proper words; it's just him shushing me and telling me it's going to be okay.

I could never bring myself to hold him in return. I just tell him that every time he wins I feel so totally pathetic; we're supposed to be the same guy but he comes out on top just because he's the hero. I tell him I'd try being a hero, but I don't know how. I also tell him what a cockwad he is. But he doesn't seem pissed or anything. He just keeps on holding me close and rocking me, his lips close to my ear and murmuring calmly as I rage on and on.

"I'm not your copy! I'm not your fake! I'm not your evil fucking twin! I just wanna be me… So what if I'm an asshole? You're a total dick, but it's okay for you because… because… because you're the first Sonic…" I choke on the words. I'm crying again, and he starts brushing his fingers through my bristling quills, "I'm just the bad guy… Calling myself Scourge didn't change that; it just made me more of the bad guy…"

He's shifting me almost into his lap and letting me listen to his heart beating slow and calm. He's tutting and whispering nothing at all. To be honest, I don't feel a whole lot better because right now I'm just thinking about how I'd never do the same for him.

"Why do you get to be such a fucking hero, anyway? I could be the g-good guy, if you'd quit that, but _noooo_, you have to keep on being the nice guy all the time…"

Finally, he speaks, more peaceful and gentle than I thought he'd be, "Scourge, it's not like that," he tells me, "Anybody can be a good guy; I know a few guys who can prove it. You _do_ have a choice-"

"Shut UP!" I can't look up at him. I just can't stop crying; hiding my face in his shoulder, "It's easy to be a good guy when… when you've only got a single great evil to fight against… when everybody's got a single huge jerk to unite against… On Moebius, that jerk is _me_. I fucking _hate_ my life… I _hate_ my dimension… I c-can't k-keep living like th-this…"

But he keeps on holding me anyway. Trails his fingers through my green quills once again; wipes away more of my tears, "You say you're not my evil twin, Scourge. If you're not my evil twin… you don't have to be evil. How's that, huh?"

I'm not really listening. I'm just slipping further down him, crying into his smooth, peach fur, because everything's just tearing right out of me right now; all that anger and misery bursting like it's broken a dam, even as my arms still hang limp by my sides. But he keeps on talking anyway.

"It's cool how you've convinced yourself that I'm good through and through; that I'm totally perfect, but I'm not; honestly. And if _I'm_ not perfect, you can't be perfectly evil."

There's a longer pause; I let out a hiccough of a sob again, my face pressed against him with my eyes tight shut. I haven't cried in a real long time. I sure didn't expect to be doing it today. One of his arms is around my back, the other is now stroking my heavily scarred chest, and he's somehow calming my racing heartbeat.

And he speaks again to fill the silence, "You're right about one thing though, Scourge. I can be _such_ a dick to my friends. Still, just because I am the good guy, doesn't mean I _always_ enjoy it. It'd kick ass, to let myself waste Eggman permanently. But you know what? Mostly I keep from being a total douchebag, even though I want to be a lot. So…" he _makes_ me look at him, emerald green versus blue fire, "There's gotta be _something_ good deep inside of you. You just gotta let it out."

"B-but… I d-don't know how to b-be the…"

"Yes, you can, you can..." he whispers, and starts standing, making me get up with up with him, "We can start with me taking you to Doctor Quack and getting him to patch you up."

"B-but I..." I slump and he holds me up, "I'm the bad guy..."

He keeps eye contact with me, "You haven't been Evil Sonic for a _long_ while now, Scourge. _That's_ why you got so sick of playing the bad guy. Because you're more than that. You always were..." he practically cradles me, like I'm a baby. Right now, I feel like one, "I'll prove it to you. Don't lose hope, Scourge. Don't ever lose hope..."

I press my face back to his chest. He keeps a tight, but careful, hold on me to keep me from running off while we walk into Knothole. I can't bear to look up at him again… but he keeps his strong arms around me just the same, one stroking my back, the other hand wiping off my tears. And he's the good guy… so everything he does… is a good thing…

Right?

**On the ground I lay,  
Motionless, in pain,  
I can see my life flashing before my eyes,  
Did I fall asleep?  
Is this all a dream?  
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare,**

**I will not die (I will not die),  
I will survive,  
I will not die, I'll wait here for you,  
I feel alive, when you're beside me,  
I will not die, I'll wait here for you,  
In my time of dying…**

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Breech: Yup. Used to be a one-shot. Not any more. Each chapter will be named after a song that i feel could be appropriate.


	2. It's Never Too Late

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

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Breech: Most stories make it capable of seeing both people's thoughts. This story is going to be entirely from Scourge's POV, so he has no idea what Sonic is thinking, and so neither do you. He's guessing.

This time I was being inspired by Three Day's Grace's "It's Never Too Late".

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Chapter Two: It's Never Too Late

So Sonic is taking me to New Knothole. I get a lot of funny looks; him too. Scared, mostly. Can't blame them; there's blood still dripping from my wrists and I must look… well, terrible. And he hands me over to Doctor Quack.

The Doctor asks me a shitton of questions. Like what the old needle marks inside my elbows are from. I just grit my teeth and say nothing. I haven't shot up in months anyway; Kintobor wouldn't give me the meds to help me sleep until I quit.

Not waking up screaming was good enough incentive for me. At the time, anyway.

Sonic's giving me one asshole of a look. I don't need to look at him to know it while Doctor Quack patches up my wrists and bitches about how withdrawal will make everything worse. Doesn't he think I've heard it all before?

He's all the way through the bandaging and halfway through his lecture when I just shove him aside and get out of there. I sit on the bench outside and stare at nothing.

I hate this. Hate how Sonic's still being the hero. I have no fucking idea why, but I just know he's gonna be the good guy even to mister ex-junkie. He's gonna secretly despise and pity me. I disgust him. And worst of all, he's gonna be nice about it.

I can hear him coming up, and then he sits next to me, and I just _know_ he's smiling kindly and pityingly. I don't look at him.

"Scourge, ya don't wanna do-"

"Shit, are _you_ gonna go on about that too?" I stare at my bandaged wrists, "I tried, okay? And I tried and tried… Now I'm sitting in your dimension, cutting up my arms instead. Is that better?"

I'm ready to pull of the bandages and try to open up the cuts again when he grabs my wrists and pretty much makes me look at him before I can give it another go.

"And what the fuck do you know about shooting up, anyway? You're the hero. You probably don't even drink! Goddammit, I bet that ass-bandit Shadow has done more with his life!" I'm getting pissed again, "I should never have started; I get it already! And I'm not gonna let some Judas ruin my life when I got you to do the job! You don't know a goddamn thing about me…"

Ah shit, I'm getting the sweats again. And I'm starting to shake too. Still comes up even now. Sonic's not stupid, except when it comes to all that honour bullshit. I bet he can see it. But he's still being nice.

"Y'know what? You're right. I never did any of that stuff. Not once. Ever," he looks at my arms. Not just at the old scabs though. His fingers trace over some of the older cuts higher up my arms. It's not like this is the first time I cut myself up. I just wanted to _feel_ something… "Sure, it can't have been easy, but you still quit. So how about you concentrate on the important stuff. You said you wanna be a hero."

"No. I just wanna quit being the bad guy all the time…"

He starts going on in that way that inspires everybody else and just makes me wonder what garbage cans he's been eating from lately. I pull away again, not listening. He doesn't get it. One of us has to be the hero, one of us has to be the villain, and he got there first. I don't know how to make it any other way.

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

"Yes…"

"Because I just said that your dad is the owner of a small casino and your mother is a large banana," he sighs, "What do you really want, Scourge?" he pulls me to look at him again, "How hard can it be, to be a nice guy?"

How can somebody who's so like me, be so goddamn stupid? He's Sonic the Hero-hog. If he does good things, it's because he's a hero, and it makes him more of a hero. I'm Scourge, the total asshole. If I do something good, it's because I'm obviously hiking up to do something awful later. Now I'm not saying some people aren't so stupid that they practically deserve to be backstabbed, but because I'm from Moebius, it doesn't matter what I do any more.

It's not just me. It's where I'm from. And I don't know how to change that any more.

I look around me.

"Everybody's staring, you moron!" I tell him. Why shouldn't they? I tried to wipe this place out more than once.

"Huh…" he looks around, "Nicole? Could we have some privacy? A little shade?"

A mega-hot Lynx turns up out of nowhere, "Absolutely, Sonic."

"Who the hell is that babe?"

"She's Nicole. A computer. She built Knothole and pretty much runs it."

As I watch, a couple of nanite trees form, giving us shade and privacy to talk, not that I feel much better, "And it doesn't fuck with your head that she sees everything and could crush us all on a whim?"

"She's one of the good guys, Scourge. And a computer."

"Man, then I'm glad we don't have anything like her on Moebius." I grimace, working myself up again, "What the hell do _you_ want, anyway? An easier life? One less asshole to fight? That'd happen if I kill myself! I don't need to hear this kind of… of…" I swallow, "I don't… I…" Oh shit, I'm gonna cry like a pussy again, "Get the hell away from me! You're giving me the same crap your old man did!"

"You met my dad?"

"Yeah, and?" I twist away. I don't want him seeing me when I'm this weak, "He's just as full of bullshit as you are. I-"

"Scourge, I really do care about what you're going through."

"Because you're Sonic! You have to be the good guy!"

"It's not that simple, and if I have to, I'll prove it."

"How can you possibly-" And he grabs me again and pulls me to sit down. He's holding on and with the blood loss he's just as strong as me, maybe stronger, and… well, I have to admit that it feels fucked up when he takes me and puts my head on his shoulder again. I'm not reaching around him. I was never good with people.

"See? Being from Mobius has nothing to do with whether you're good or bad, or how I'm supposed to treat you… I mean, look at Fiona. She's from Mobius but she dumps us, goes bad, and then sticks with you. Does she even know you're like-"

He stops, because now I am crying. Not loud, but it's wetness dripping on his shoulders.

"Did she…"

"We split, okay? She got sick of keeping me from throwing up after dinner. Who the hell needs a depressed king for a boyfriend anyway?" No. We didn't split. She kicked me out. Kicked me out of my own goddamn palace to be the Queen. She didn't even need to beat me out of the place. I just couldn't stay when she wanted me to go like that. She's the only chick I've ever given a semi-shit about.

So now… well, now I'm not a king any more.

As if I'm gonna tell the Blue Bastard that.

He holds onto me and rocks me gently. God, I hate him so much. Why is he doing this? He whispers into my ear a load of crap that I'm not listening to, because… well, because he keep rocking me in his arms. And it _does_ make me feel better. A little. I don't know why he's doing it. I wouldn't help him out, and I bet he knows it.

That's part of the problem, I guess.

"I just wanna be… me… Even if that's not a nice guy… I wanna be me because that would be who I am, not because I'm Evil Sonic… But I don't know how that works…"

"Yeah, you've said that… Scourge, look at me!" he sits me up to look into his green eyes, "Listen to me, okay? I know guys who went through what you are going through right now. I _know_ you have a choice. Just trust me for a bit on that…"

And then it gets kind of weird again, because I'm still hating him and crying, and he starts wiping all those tears off my cheeks and our eyes meet. So I press my face to his chest again. Looking at him hurts, y'know? But he just keeps stroking my back and being all big brother or something. It's like he's filling in for something I never had. And I can't stop crying because how the hell am I supposed to compete with that? Or is it something else?

"Why are you even doing any of this?"

He keeps patting me. And yet there's a tremor to it for a moment; a hesitation, "I don't really know. But do I need a reason?"

Maybe. When it's an asshole like me. I can't bring myself to return any of it. Faking with hot chicks is one thing but I never was good at getting close to people on a truly personal level, even Fiona.

But his arms wrap around my body strongly, and they don't let go. I keep hiding my face so that he can't see the tears. I hate me for being like this, and I hate him for seeing me like this. It hurts, and I clutch at the bandages on my wrists again to rip them off, and all he does is hold me tighter.

"Relax. It's okay now."

"It's not, it's not…" I can't stop sobbing, "If I tried to do any of this, you'd… just think I was up to something."

"Do you want to?"

I hesitate, "I… don't really know…"

"I'll take that as a no."

"You must think I'm so fucking pathetic," there's a pause, "See? You hesitated."

"I don't think you're pathetic. Well, not like that," I look up at him, feeling confused, "I mean, it's kind of pathetic that you're sitting here blaming me for you being an asshole," he grins awkwardly, "But you're sitting here crying into my chest and trying to pull open your scabs. Of course you're not gonna look your best."

I sit there for a moment, not entirely sure of what to say.

He groans, "Dammit, I am such a dumbass sometimes. Y'see Scourge, my problem is that I do this thing where I open my mouth and words come out. I really gotta quit doing that…" he gets me to look up, "Listen, if you _really_ want, you can stay on Mobius for a bit. You know, political prisoner or something."

"You're serious?" I think about it. I guess it makes me feel a bit better. Not much though. Blue is going on about something like how he'll talk to that bitchy princess of his. I don't want to go back to Moebius. Everybody hates me there. And everybody hates me here, but at least Fiona's not here.

I'm not really listening to him anyway. I push him away and get up from the bench and wander off. He starts following me, because Sonic the Hedgehog is such a fucking nosey-parker heroic dickwad that he has to make sure I don't try and kill myself.

"Just… fuck off, okay Blue?"

Everybody's still staring as I flip my shades back down to hide my eyes. Any moment now I'm gonna get stoned outta town or some shit, but it doesn't really matter, because that's where I'm headed. Back to that Chao Garden. At least it's quiet there, and nobody is hating everybody else.

Yeah, we _totally_ wouldn't have these cute little bastards over on Moebius.

I put my back to a tree and try to think. Or not think. Eventually I just settle for looking at the bandages on my wrists. Slitting my wrists was a shitty way to kill myself anyway. That Chao is sniffing at me again, and this time I pat it on the head.

"So, you're the little bastard who ran and fetched the Blue Buckethead, huh?"

"Chao!"

"Waste of time, if you ask me. Y'know, I don't even properly deserve to be alive…" I stare across the garden, at the little bubble things. Again I think about how Mobians get the nice things. And again I'm thinking about how Fiona kicked me out of the castle. Out of the fucking _dimension_. And they're better off without me.

"Chao?"

"Nobody needs me," I sink my face into my hands and… oh god, my wrists are itching and all of the nothing is crowding in on me. And feeling nothing is the worst thing of all. Hike up the despair just so that there's something _in_ there. I kinda wish I hadn't walked off from Sonic now. Sure, I was feeling miserable, but it was better than feeling nothing at all.

Nowadays, if I'm not miserable I'm angry, and if I'm not either it's a blank space.

"Got to feel _something_…"

Maybe I shouldn't have quit shooting up. I never felt this blank when I was high. Damn… getting the shakes again. And it's not like I brought anything. You know… what with the 'going to be dead' thing. I reach for the bandages on my wrists.

"I knew it was a bad idea to let you walk off like that," Sonic grabs my shoulder. I shrug it off, just to feel him put his hand back on, "Figured you might come back here. Scourge, listen-"

"Come to kiss me goodbye before you throw me back through the Star Posts?"

"Actually, I spoke to Sally real fast," he sits next to me, "She says you can stay for a bit. But you're kinda gonna be my responsibility."

I raise my shades, "Yeah. 'Cause I'm the bad guy."

"Well, kinda. That, and you're digging at your wrists again," he wraps one arm around my shoulder, and takes one of my wrists, pulling me to him. And once again he's warm… "Scourge… come on. I'm not gonna leave you alone like this."

He wraps his arms around me and I hide my face in his peach chest again, both soft and hard at once. I'm not worth this. Any of this. And here we are, and I can barely stand it. He's stroking my back and I'm just limp and yet I'm shaking so hard, "I… I can't do this… Some days I wake up and I feel dead already…"

"Yeah… well… come on. I wouldn't be here if I didn't care. You don't have to be a hero to care, y'know?"

"Not really." But he's rocking me really gently, pushing his hands through my quills and it makes me feel so safe… safer than in years. I realise I'm crying again. One moment I'm a blank space and the next it's like I'm being wrenched apart. I try to stop, and then I can't, because part of me wants to be screaming too.

It gets louder and god, it hurts so bad, and I must sound so pathetic as I kneel against him sobbing, but he's still holding on, keeping me close and wiping the tears off my face, "It'll be alright."

"I just want it… to end…"

"No. I won't let that happen. I _won't,_" he holds me tighter, and then makes me look at him, "I promise, S-Man. You don't have to be bad if that's not what you want. We can turn it all around," he wipes away my tears away again, "It's not too late. It's _never_ too late."

And I look in his green eyes, and there's no mockery, or hate, or deceit. We're just sitting here and he's holding me all over again, yeah, just sitting here and holding me. And for once somebody isn't kicking me out or tossing me aside or ignoring me, "You think… you think?"

And he nods with such _conviction_. He's the hero, and he'll get the job done. And then I press to him again, because that way I can _feel_ something. And his fingers brush through my quills, and I curl up a little. And he repeats the words over and over like a mantra, until I can believe him.

"It's not too late. It's never too late…"

* * *

**This world will never be what I expected,**  
**And if I don't belong, who would have guessed it?**  
**I will not leave alone**  
**Everything that I own**  
**To make you feel like it's not too late,**  
**It's never too late**

**Even if I say, "It'll be alright,"**  
**Still I hear you say you want to end your life**  
**Now and again we try to just stay alive**  
**Maybe we'll turn it all around**  
**'Cause it's not too late,**  
**It's never too late,**

**No one will ever see this side reflected**,  
**And if there's something wrong, who would have guessed it?**  
**And I have left alone**  
**Everything that I own**  
**To make you feel like it's not too late**,  
**It's never too late**

**Even if I say, "It'll be alright,"**  
**Still I hear you say you want to end your life**  
**Now and again we try to just stay alive**  
**Maybe we'll turn it all around**  
**'Cause it's not too late,**  
**It's never too late…**

* * *

Breech: Sorry if this chapter feels too much like the first, but I couldn't run into the crazy stuff right off the bat. Scourge is hardly going perk up twenty minutes after a suicide attempt. Still, I hope it touched you! Its continuation is still kinda dependant on its popularity.

As for what Sonic is thinking… that's something you'll have to guess just as much as Scourge is.


	3. Somewhere I Belong

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Just wanna say. In this story, Sonic and Scourge are both 21.

This one was written with Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" playing.

* * *

Chapter Three: Somewhere I Belong

It's been three days now. Sonic's uncle set up a bed in the spare room and… I haven't moved from it in three days, except to shit. To be honest, I'm scared. I don't trust myself to leave it…

"Still in there, boy?" His Uncle Chuck appears in the doorway, "My boy is out on a scouting mission. Nobody here to pander to you today."

"Huh…"

"Unlike him, I'm not bringing you your meals, lad. There's a glass of water by your bed. If you want to eat, come down. Breakfast is on the table. Made a guess and made you what Sonic likes. I make it every morning anyway. Chilli Dogs."

I shrug, "Good guess."

He leaves me, and I'm glad. I miss Sonic already though. He'd bring me breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and stay with me most of the time. And that just reminds me that I'd feel bad about causing him trouble when it's so damn pointless for me to even be alive.

I get out of bed. Guess I don't have a choice.

Chuck's at the table. Old man doesn't look too surprised to see me. I sit at the table and start poking at the pile of Chilli Dogs – yes, I do like them best. And no, I'm not hungry. Except I am. But I don't feel like eating. I just sit there and wish I had some purpose in life other than busting up decent people.

"So, boy, what did you really comehere for?"

"If I told ya, would it change what you believe?" I sigh and put a whole Chili Dog into my mouth and start chewing. And chewing. And chewing…

"What with those bandages on your wrists, it might," he tells me, "And if it doesn't, it's nobody's fault but yours."

"You're just like _my_ Uncle Chuck, y'know?" I'm speaking with my mouth full, because I still haven't swallowed yet, "He was always thinking he knew best too. Telling me I was a worthless little punk and I'd never amount to nothing. Then he went off to explore the world while dad used me for a fucking political tool to look like a family man. Haven't seen him in years. With any luck he's dead…"

"Boy, I don't know how you talk on Moebius, but when you're staying in this house you'll mind your manners!"

I shrug, "I hate my life." I consider spitting the Chili Dog back out, but what the hell, I don't really deserve to eat but I swallow anyway and head out to sit on the bench outside, all alone with my face in my hands. Everybody who passes by hates me. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be anywhere.

I'm crying again like a weakass. Not loud, but just sitting there and trying not to let anybody see how completely pathetic I've become. And not doing very well at it either. After a bit, I lie down on my side and start hating my dad for a while. Feels better than hating myself, anyway.

I could tell the difference. I could always tell the difference.

Dad never paid any attention to me. Well, kinda. See, being a good dad makes you look like a Family Man, and family men get all the cool popularity shit. So yeah, he'd take me with him to the political rallies, and he would get up and give speeches about how "I understand how you feel; I'm a family man myself." And he'd hold me up and hug me and shit. And everybody would clap and cheer. And then we'd go home.

He invited the interviewers to my sixth birthday party. My seventh, I was taken to a parade in his fucking honour. My eighth, he was in goddamn Downunda. I got a phonecall from his secretary.

He didn't show at my first school games, when I ran the track before most of the kids had gotten past the starting line. Or at my fifth baseball game, when I was the only guy on the opposing team. When I got good marks, he'd pat me on the head and say, "Well done son." Then it's back to paperwork.

First time I got into a fight, I got busted up real bad. I didn't know what to do, y'know? Got handed the shitty end of the shit stick. And a lot of times after that. He wasn't sorry for me. He was pissed. Kept telling me I should face up to them

Got better at it though. Turned out the less bruises I got, the less he complained.

And then the first time I won and I won good, I came back and figured dad would quit bitching about how I should face up to the bullies.

Turned out the kid's dad had gotten there first. Dad was so pissed that I had 'started a fight'. Went on, and on, and _on_.

And I'll tell you this – it was the most attention he'd paid to me since I'd accidentally caused a car crash a couple of years back.

Yeah, he noticed when I got into fights and kicked their asses down to the ground. Noticed when I started lifting things in shops. Noticed when he had to bail me out for hacking into that car and taking it for a ride. Noticed the _hell_ out of me when I stabbed that kid at school and got kicked out.

And he was really begging for _my_ attention the day I-

No… don't wanna think about that…

Just curl up and pretend I can sleep…

* * *

"Hey, Green Boy?"

I look up, "Sonic?"

"Time's up. You gotta go back."

"What? But you said-"

"You're dangerous, Scourge. Seriously, even you know it. We had a vote. Unanimous."

"But… you… Why?"

"Hey, Sal's my girl. And the Princess. Gotta stick with her. You'd do the same."

"Well, yeah, but I'm not you-"

My hands are cuffed. I can't run. They drag me to the Star Posts, "Save us the trouble and _don't_ call again, Scourge."

"NO! Don't send me back, they'll fucking kill me!"

"So? You wanted to die, didn't you?"

They slam something into the back of my head… everything goes black… and when I open my eyes, I'm strapped to a table and looking up at a very familiar sneering mockingly at me.

"Fiona?!"

"I told you not to come back, Scourge. Nobody wants you. But I'm actually kinda glad you did. We all warned you. So now… we're gonna finish the job _you_ started."

"NO! OH GOD, NO!"

"But don't look so scared, sweetie! We're not gonna do it fast…"

The table swings back, and I go straight into ice water and start screaming but the water's everywhere in my mouth and nose and eyes and I'm freezing cold and kicking but I can't stop screaming and screaming. They bring me up for a few seconds and I'm blinded by the water and paralysed by the ice and oh god, I can hear them laughing and they're slapping me mockingly.

I hack up enough water to beg.

"Oh GOD! PLEASE! PLEASE, NOT LIKE THIS! NOT IN THE WATER!"

And then the table swings me back again, into the black and the cold and the wet, and it's like I'm _dying,_ but I can still hear them.

"Take it, Scourge! Take it!"

* * *

"Wake up, Scourge! Wake UP!"

And I'm screaming and clawing and kicking at thin air and soaking wet and choking out water.

"OH GOD OH GOD PLEASE NO!"

"Scourge! Dammit, Scourge, wake up!"

"OH GOD! OH GOD! Oh… oh…" the world comes into focus and it's… just… Sonic… He's got an empty bucket in one hand and I'm soaking wet. He's shaking me. But I'm not strapped to a waterboarding table on Moebius… it's just evening in nEW Knothole, lying on a bench. I lurch to sit up and grab him.

He holds me carefully, "I got back from the mission and you were asleep, so I left you. And then after a bit you started screaming and screaming. You were kicking and lashing out like crazy…" he nods aside, "You caught Rotor a kick in his big gut. We tried to hold you down but then you got worse. You wouldn't wake up even when we pinned you and shook you."

"So Sonic ran to get water," the fox-boy adds to one side, "It took two or three buckets… Scourge, do you often have nightmares like that?"

Only when I forget to take Kintobor's medication… "I… I…" And why are they giving a rat's ass anyway? "Does it matter?"

They're looking at each other. Was I that bad? Fiona would just start yelling at me and kick me out of bed for waking her up.

It's clouding over now anyway. You know how dreams are. Things are completely impossible and there's huge gaps, but you still think they're real. And then they go away but the fear… yeah, the fear is still there, and you want to remember… "Was I saying anything?"

"Not really," Sonic sighs, "Mostly just a lot of screaming."

"Then forget it…" I stand up and head into Sonic's house, throwing myself back on the couch and grabbing a cushion to press to my face. I try to press it hard enough to stop breathing, but it's harder than you'd think. I should know; I've tried before. Every time you pass out, you let go of the pillow and you start breathing again.

Sonic snatches it off me, "Okay, so… do you normally scream like that in your sleep?"

I sling my legs over the end of the couch, "Don't know. I'm asleep, remember?"

"Then I'm gonna take that as a yes," he sits down, "Scourge… come on. I didn't ask Sal to let you stay just so that you can be suicidal on Mobius instead of Moebius."

I look up at him, and he turns me a bit, so I'm laying with my head in his lap.

"I didn't leave Moebius," I sigh, "Fiona kicked me out. We split, but it was her who dumped me. I don't blame her; I was going downhill anyway. Like I said, who wants a depressed junkie King for a-"

"Woah, slow down, Green Man," Sonic stops me, "You're telling me that Fiona kicked you out of your own dimension, which you are supposed to be the king of, while you were going through… all of this?! I knew she was a bitch, but…"

"Don't you watch the movies? The bad guy doesn't get the girl," I look away from the blue blunder, "And for good reason."

"You could have told me that sooner."

"Yeah. Now you feel even better, right?" I sit up, "You're Sonic the Hedgehog, and you can have any babe you want. I'm Scourge, and I can have any babe I want, provided she hasn't got work in the morning."

"Scourge… there's something I should probably tell you about that," I don't turn, "Yes, I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, and I could have any girl I wanted. But that's the thing. They all want Sonic the Hedgehog. That's all they want."

"But you're a nice guy who respects chicks," I point out.

"True, but I'm also super-famous and ultra-cool, and I save the world all the time. That's what they see. And that is the real me, but it's not all there is. It's weird but… I worked that out when you came to hit on all the girls. Y'know, way back when you were still blue."

"You what?"

"You're super-famous and ultra-cool too," he grins, "And you can kick the ass of anybody who isn't me as well. And you tricked all those nice girls into thinking you were me, because that's all they see. If they saw more than that, then…" he shrugs, "Well, I'm kinda going through a chick-less phase right now."

"Then how'd you get Sally to-" I brush it off, "Never mind…"

"You don't have to schmooze chicks to get them to do something, Scourge."

"Not in your dimension, maybe…"

"True…" he smiles, "Do you have a bat called Rouge in your dimension? She's kind of a skank here so…"

"I don't know… Never met her there," I sigh, "Good guys are bad and bad guys are good but… You've met O'Nux? Total douche. Complete loser. I wasted him real good, then kicked him out of the dungeons just to show him just how totally useless he is. Sometimes things get weird…"

I'm not sure what he's saying now. I'm kind of ignoring him anyway. Because somehow I know that he's trying to comfort me, and knowing that makes me feel better than actually paying attention to any of the words he's actually saying. To make sure he keeps on talking, I nod and hum vaguely.

He's warm and strong, and I don't feel so cold and weak. I roll onto my side without really thinking about it, and because it just feels better, it's the side that faces him. Probably shouldn't be facing this way, but he doesn't complain. Smells good…

And now he's stroking his fingers through my quills. Fiona never really did that – at least not properly. She didn't have the experience with hedgehogs to do it without slicing her hands off. But Sonic's good at it. Just my head-quills at first, then all the way down my back. I'm not sure if he even knows he's doing it, but he's doing it right, because for the first time in months I can feel my quills relaxing.

I want to hold him… and I want him to keep holding me. So I just… sit up on the couch a bit and… well, I put my head on his shoulder. I wrap one arm around his back loosely. He sinks his fingers right in past my quills and caresses the skin, and I feel a slight tremble pass through me.

It feels good.

"Feeling better?"

"Yeah… a bit…" I pause, "I could still use some more though."

There's a pause in the movements of his hands, and I know it's all my fault. Things generally are. I look up and… he's blushing. I realise how that must have sounded. Ah, _crap_. He's a guy and I'm a guy and…

And I'm the bad guy anyway, and I'm not seriously thinking of the good guy like that, am I? No, I can't be. But it wouldn't matter if I did, because I am the bad guy and I don't get the girl, even when the girl is a guy.

"Crap. Sonic, I didn't mean it to sound like… uh…" I hate doing it, but I pull away from him. I don't even know why I did that. Guys shouldn't be with guys; that's just fucked up. Damn, I fuck things up without even trying. People try to be nice to me, and they get their lives ruined for it.

He grins, obviously embarrassed, "Okay, so this is awkward, but-"

I ruin everything for everybody. I could've stayed here and kept my hands to myself and my mouth shut and things could've just been okay, and nobody would have been trying to kill me – well, they might, but at least less people than usual. And I could've been close to him, and I might feel like there's somebody out there who gives a shit, and it would be him. Except… except…

"No. I should go. I'll be back when…" Oh man, I don't want to leave this place, but I can't stay here… I don't _belong_ here, "I'm just going out, okay?"

I head out the door.

Fast.

* * *

**When this began, I had nothing to say,  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me,  
And I let it all out to find**

**That I'm not the only person with these things in mind,  
But all that they can see the words revealed  
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel,  
Just stuck, hollow and alone,  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own,**

**I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real,**  
**I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long,**  
**I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real,**  
**I wanna find something I've wanted all along,**  
**Somewhere I belong…**

**And I've got nothing to say,**  
**I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face,**  
**Looking everywhere only to find**

**That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind,  
What do I have but negativity,  
'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me,  
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone,  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own,**

**I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real,  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long,  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real,  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along,  
Somewhere I belong…**

* * *

Breech: Yeah, Scourge is kind of homophobic. Well, we can't ALL be open-minded. He's not sticking around to be seduced. On the other hand, depression is a harsh mistress, and he's not exactly popular on Mobius… so he might get into trouble…

And since this is all Scourge's POV, who knows what Sonic's thinking? Well, I do…


	4. Save Me

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Changed the cover image. Also, this is not my most important story. You're better off following it than checking every day. If you want my best story, go read and read and review "Prison Island Break: Season 2"!

Gotta say I'm very flattered at how much you like this though.

The song I listened to for a good chunk of this was Globus' "Save Me".

* * *

Chapter Four: Save Me

I ran away from New Knothole two weeks ago, although I only remember about half of it. And right now I'm staggering down a street in the mess of a city that is Westopolis with a half-empty brown bottle in one hand and an empty feeling in my stomach that refuses to be filled up with the drink.

Tonight, the sky itself is in despair.

Cool. I guess I'm pretty poetic when I'm out of my head on cheap whiskey.

I take a deep draught from the bottle, and crush it in one hand. The glass is shredding up my skin but… I'm not really paying attention. Recently, this can actually be classed as a good day.

I prop my shades onto my forehead. Good. Gas station up ahead. I stagger up. Head in. The guy at the desk looks up, sees me… I think he's panicking. Fuck him. I head to the big fridge, pick out a new bottle, and drop it and a handful of small change on the counter.

"Take it, Man! Take it all! I don't want any trouble!"

Oh yeah. I'm not exactly an unfamiliar face in this dimension. The 'trying to take over the world' thing a couple of years back. Yeah, I knew there was no future for assholes like me. Also, his squawking voice makes my head pound.

"Shut the fuck up. _Restroom_."

He points, and I stagger in. I don't lock the door or sit down. I just look at myself in the mirror and try to think about how much I hate myself today, and every other day before and how I plan to do so in the future, until I get around to killing myself again.

Where've I been getting the money for the drink, anyway? Not sure. And when did I last eat? No, wrong question. When did I last _buy_ food? I've been spending all the money on the drink. Must've been at Sonic's place when I ate properly. And my fur and quills are filthy from sleeping in dumpsters, which is ironically where I've been getting my food.

Then I double over the sink and throw up for a while.

Look back into the mirror. Pathetic. I'm not a king. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not even an opportunistic pickpocket – at least, I guess that's where I got the money for the drink. I'm an itinerant bum; a shit-stain on society, trapped in a worthless life and waiting for a miracle I don't deserve.

"Go away," I tell my reflection. It doesn't, "Well then, fuck you."

I stagger out of the gas station, ignoring the guy at the counter. He's probably calling the cops and frankly, I don't care any more. I just stagger down the road in the pouring rain and bite off the bottle cap and keep drinking.

Oh God, oh Sonic, I miss you so bad right now… but I can't go back… I don't belong with you…

I stagger some way down the road slump to the ground and lean back against the wall, bottle in hand as the rain soaks me. There's gotta be something more to life than scraping left-over cheese out of pizza boxes. Trouble is, I can't find it any more.

How low do you have to sink before you hit rock bottom, anyway? Is that even possible?

"Well, if it isn't 'King' Scourge."

I look up, "Wha… Miles? What… what're you doing on Mobius?" Yes. It's fox-boy with the black hair. Can't hardly speak or think, but I know damn well this little punk isn't supposed to be here; he's meant to be back on Moebius, getting together his plans to take over from Fiona like the back-stabbing little cunt-nugget I know he is.

Now he's talking into a cell-phone, "Yes, Miles Prower here. I'm found him," he lands a kick in my stomach which I barely even feel thanks to all the drink. I just throw up again, "No, he's _no_ threat. Trust me on that."

"Who… was that?"

"You know, when Fiona said you'd gone downhill, I swear I never thought I'd find you looking like this," he smirks and grabs me by the jacket, pulling me up, "When you got kicked out, Fiona made me her Royal Adviser."

"She doesn't know you like I do."

"No. Gotta say, looking at you like this, I could almost feel sorry for you. I mean, we've been at each other's backs all our lives. But _she_ was supposed to be your girlfriend," He smirks and drops me down, "She changed her mind about kicking you out though."

"She… did?"

"She was just going to send the Destructix to find you, but then she figured she'd rather make sure of it herself. Smart. Unnecessary, but smart."

"She… wants me back?" I feel hope rise up inside of me, rolling onto my back. Then I throw up and it goes all over my own face.

"Well, yes and no. But mostly no."

"Then… why…"

"Oh, come on, Scourge!" I look up at the familiar voice, "You're not going to stay down forever," Fiona mocks me, "True, you're completely and utterly worthless, but you always manage to bounce back. Remember when you were nothing but a punk in No-Zone Prison? You got over that."

She's wearing my crown. Fucking bitch is wearing my crown. Well of course she is, and it's not like I deserve it, but still… bitch is wearing my crown?! "Feh… I guess…"

"So, you could say I'm taking pre-emptive action. It was going to be that I was going to kill you…"

"Go right the fuck ahead, whore…"

"But Miles is right. You are so completely pathetic and totally harmless," two members of the Suppression Squad lift me off my feet and hold me up in front of her, "Look at you!" she's clearly referring to the mud all over me, and the way I've just thrown up, and that my quills are just matted with grease, and I must smell terrible, "The question is whether I kill you… or…" she runs a finger down my chest gleefully, "You'd look very good chained to the foot of my bed… After a wash, of course."

That makes me stop. I'm fine with dying. I deserve to die. My life is filled only with pointlessness. But being a slave? Seriously, anybody's slave? Nuh-uh. Not happening.

So I slap the bitch right across her smug face. With my hand that's full of a bunk of glass shards. I'm numbed by the drink. Damn but it feels good to hear her scream. She touches her cheek and looks at the blood and screams _again_.

"Kill him! Kill him now!"

They throw me to the ground – they want to hurt me, but hardly anything hurts now. Except the way they're busy kicking me, of course. Yeah, there's only so much pain the drink can numb. And the more they kick me, the angrier I feel. And the angrier I feel… well, it's kind of pathetic at first, but I'm actually trying to fight back. A bit.

Gotta admit, that's a damn good way to get killed even faster, but they're gonna kill me anyway and… well, somebody's just kicked me in the face, dizzying me up, so I spit out some blood. I flail helplessly and get a few more kicks to the gut. I for one know that's an awesome way to kill people – you can keep kicking them for _hours_. They'll only die eventually.

Still, I'm not exactly in a position to admire technique. I hate myself, I hate them… Fiona goes and threatens me with being a sex slave and I still have enough dignity left to not want that… I can think of no good reason to continue my life, but a part of me is still protesting… telling me that I should want to _live_.

And a thought does spring to mind; a reason to live. Sonic. I wouldn't be sad if I was dead, but would he? It's not like he wanted me to leave. I miss him so much… I can't feel myself any longer. I just want to be with him… When I die, I'll go to Hell, and all it needs is an absence of him…

I can't help it. He's not here, and I miss him, and… I'm crying. At least I think I am. It's still pouring with rain. I'm muddy and my quills are greasy and limp and I am not going to make a pretty corpse.

Then one of them picks me up. I manage to glance aside at Fiona. Yup, that glass cut her up pretty bad. Well, she's not gonna be so goddamn vain for a while, huh?

"We could do this all day," Miles tells me as a couple of guys hold me up, pulling out a knife, "But we'd get tired."

"Funny," I groan, "I always thought you'd end up stabbing me in the back…"

He grins, that sneaky little grin of his. Now I'd sworn to myself while I was being kicked around on the cement that I would face this shaking with some goddamn dignity. Me and dignity. That's not usually two words you see in the same sentence. But no. The knife sinks into my chest and there's nothing I can do but _scream_.

God damn, there's blood all over the place… mixing with the rain, running down my body… Then he does it _again_, and I scream _again_ and there's more blood and I'm gasping. I manage to raise my head to look at Fiona nursing her cheek, and damn, what a smug bitch.

"HEY JERKFACES! LET HIM GO!"

I think I'm imagining the voice because… it sounds like… And then a blue blur rushes past me and knocks them all to the ground, and I drop too, bleeding and miserable in the gutter, where I belong. Damn, the rain is cold and it's waking me up a bit and man, I hurt really _bad_ and I'm dizzy and there's blood everywhere.

"Sonic…"

"Scourge!" The Blue Blockhead kneels down beside me, with the Suppression Squad lying around unconscious, or wisely pretending to be, "Man, I- we've been looking everywhere for you! Then some guy called the cops and… oh man…"

Yeah, I guess he's seen all the blood too.

"Sonic… why? Why'd you…" I spit the blood from the kicking out of my mouth and onto the pavement, "You _know_ I wouldn't…"

"I don't know… maybe _because_ I know you wouldn't?" he tries to pick me up, and I can't hold back the cry of pain, "Sorry! Sorry! Here, I'll just…" he shifts me to lie back down in his arms, so that it doesn't hurt so bad, "Just hold on; the other guys know you're here and they're right on their way."

He's warm. He's the only warmth I feel right now, and I press my face against his chest to be closer to him. Because he's better than I am. Always will be. He's fumbling with a cell-phone and talking to his buddies and telling them to bring medical aid or something, and then he's looking down at me and trying to smile… wiping some of the mess off my face and there's… rain… on him too.

"This is what I deserve," I'm trying to see where I've been stabbed, but it's not easy. I clutch at where the pain is, and my glove is soaked red in a few seconds. I'm still breathing at the moment, so I guess Miles missed my heart – probably because it's so black and shrivelled – but oh damn, I'm getting blood all over Sonic now too, "Oh man, Sonic… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry I dragged you into my shitty life…"

"Scourge, it's okay," he loops an arm around my waist, helping me to sit up a bit, and I've got one around his shoulder now, "You care about me for who I am. And when you hate me, you hate me for who I am too. Because we know each other. We _understand_ each other. Just hold on…"

I look up at him… into his green eyes. And he's honest, which is better than I'll ever be. And he's holding me close, and stroking the rain and the tears away from my face, "But I… I thought… I just thought I was making you all… faggy… I had to go… couldn't ruin your life like that…"

"Scourge, I don't know how things go on Moebius, but here, homosexuals aren't hunted down and burned," he grins a bit and helps me to sit up more comfortably, "And I… well…"

"So… you _are_…" I try to curl up to him, panting a little. Breathing too deeply makes my chest hurt, "Does that mean… I am… too?"

"Listen, don't worry about it. What's important is that you…" we both look at the mess. It's sticking to him too, "Oh man, I should've gotten here sooner…"

"I…" I look away from him for a moment. I think I'd blush, if I had the blood for it, "I don't want to die…"

"_Relax_. Just relax and hold on to me. I haven't let you die yet, have I?" Our eyes meet again. Is he..? Yes, he is. He's _worried_ about me. Nobody's ever been worried about me before. Even with all the pain that goes through me every time I twitch, and the fuzzy feeling that tells me I'm running low on blood, it feels good…

Damn, finding out you're a fag in a gutter that's awash with mud and rain and your own blood… how dramatic can you get?

I can't see anything but him, with us getting closer and closer, "It's not… your fault…"

"That's _not_ why I came."

And then our lips meet.

I have no idea who started it, just that now his arms are cradling me, and my one hand that isn't clutching my stab wounds is stroking his cheek – although rather stickily. I close my eyes and our lips start moving, real slow. He's so soft and hard and warm… I can't feel the rain any more. Can't feel the cold, or the blood. All I can feel is him… and us… together.

And I don't know who says it, but the words hang in the air…

"We _understand_ each other…"

And I'm trembling against him as the kiss grows more passionate, but so, so slow. Then there's a moment… a moment where the kiss ends and we look into each other's eyes… him looking at me, a bloody, drunken, dying mess, and me looking at him, strong and honest and loving.

"Don't leave me again," he orders me gently.

"I… I don't want to…"

And then we kiss again, the rain pouring down on us both as our lips move, and he holds me even closer. The emptiness is just rising up and over me and if there's one last thing I want to feel, it's him… and for the very first time in my life, everything is just _perfect_…

And then it all goes _dark_…

* * *

**Now I'm standing alone in the moment of truth**  
**As the judgement's handed down,**  
**And my feet are scarred from the broken glass**  
**Strewn across the ground,**

**Then you come to my side,**  
**And only to you I confide,**  
**That I've been battered and shattered and bruised and abused**  
**For the very, very last time,**

**Won't you help me, just save me from fear and pain,**  
**And love reign o'er me,**  
**Save me, Save me today,**  
**For tomorrow will find me at rest…**

**Save me from fear and pain,**  
**And love will rain on me,**  
**Save me today,**  
**And tomorrow, find me at rest…**

* * *

Breech: REVIEW!

Because you know what?

THIS IS NOT THE END. Unless I get bored. Or forget…


	5. Falling In The Black

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Don't use my review box for asking favours! Use it to tell me how great I am!

This time, go off and listen to "Falling In The Black" by Skillet.

* * *

Chapter Five: Falling In The Black

I never open my eyes straight away when I wake up. Just in case there's somebody around whom I don't want to know I'm awake.

I'm in a bed. My chest hurts. And I can hear people talking. One of them is Sonic, the other is… that Doctor Quack who patched up my wrists.

"So, how's he doing, Doc?"

"He'll be okay, physically. Stab wounds often look much uglier than they really are, and the beating he's taken around the face is particularly nasty… Still, he's lucky you were around to protect him from those Anti-Moebius murderers."

"He was hardly even fighting back! He was drunk right off his head."

"Yes, thanks to the blood he lost, the drink came closer to killing him than the knife wounds. And he's still malnourished and we've giving him fluids. But he's not going to die any time soon."

"When will I be able to talk to him?"

The duck chuckles, "Well, his heart-rate indicates he's awake and listening to us right now, Sonic. So… as soon as he'll let you."

I give up pretending, and open my eyes to sit up. Bad idea, because there are bandages all over my chest for a damn good reason. And I can't see out of one eye, "Oh, SHIT!"

And Sonic rushes to my side, "Scourge? You okay?"

Hasty investigation tells me that the reason I can't see from that eye is just thanks to a lot of bandages. I remember what happened… last night? Did I really..? "I… I'm not dead, I guess… So how long have I been out? And I… I…" I look under the sheet. Oh man, that's a lot of bandages there too, where I got stabbed twice, "Oh damn… what… what…"

"About… 12 hours," he runs his gentle hand through my quills. I'm clean again. In a hospital bed. He's standing over me, "Don't worry. I mean, I was worried, but the doc says it looks and feels worse than it really is."

"Take it from somebody who knows; it's pretty tough to stab a guy to death," I half-smile and he thinks I'm joking, "The heart's pretty damn hard to get to. I mean… there's all this stuff in the way, have a-" I nearly take his hand and put it on my chest, but then I hate myself for the idea. It's so damn cheesy. And I was so _drunk_ too, "Ribcages are damn sturdy."

"Hey, I'm just… just glad you're okay."

"How did you find me?"

"The whole planet was out looking for you. Y'know… wanted criminal and all. They kept spotting you, but then you were moving on. And when people get scared, they were seeing you all over the place. But you're back in New Knothole, safe."

"Sonic, what happened last night…" And I feel myself blushing, "I… I was just drunk, right? Drunk and bleeding out? I just… you… I…" And I'm getting stuck because I have no idea of how to feel about that.

To my dismay, he looks just as uncertain as I feel as he takes a seat and starts stroking my quills again, this time much more hesitantly. And it's nice, but… I don't know how to feel about it any more than I would have two weeks ago, "Are you okay?"

I look around me. I'm on a comfortable white bed, my injuries cleaned up and covered in bandages. There's an IV in my arm. And… damn… "I want a mirror."

"Well… okay. But… the doc says it looks worse-"

"Mirror," I snatch it off him, "Woah, shit…"

He makes a joke to try and reassure me; something about the purple blur. But damn, I know it's just superficial cuts and bruises but… my face is a fucking mess. Being drunk probably numbed most of the kicking at the time. One of my eyes has a patch – I know I can see; I feel it. But hurts to blink. And deep down I know it'll all clear up but you would not fucking _believe_…

"Seriously, the doc says it'll clear right up in less than a month," he tells me quickly, while I lift the hospital pants a bit and inspect the purple smear that is my stomach, "And you'll be just fine."

"Urgh… I know… I know…" I shudder and put the mirror aside, "It's just… a lot."

"Speaking of that," Doctor Quack comes up to the bed, "I just want to ask you a few questions, Scourge. Just to check you know where you are and so on. So, what's your name?"

"Scourge the Hedgehog. Previously known as Anti-Sonic."

"And… where are you from?"

"Moebius… previously known as Anti-Mobius."

"And… your age?"

"21."

"How's your head?"

"It hurts. Here, and here, and here…" I point to the bruises on my face, "And here and here and here and-"

"Touch my finger," he holds out his finger and I touch it and he moves it and I touch it a few times. Guess I'm still a bit shaky, "Okay, I wouldn't say you've got any lasting head trauma, but you did take those stabs to the chest. They missed anything important but what with them and the beating you took…" and I'm guessing he's thinking 'and how you hate yourself and want to die', "We'd like to keep you in for a few nights, just for observation."

"Sure, why the hell not? What's the patch about?"

"Your eye is fine but we don't want you to strain it, so leave the patch on for a couple of days. Don't strain your chest either, okay?" he checks, "For now, just feel confident that you've received no lasting damage. Although your face will probably look worse before it looks better."

"You mean that's possible?" I sigh and let my head fall back, "If that's it… just go away, okay?" I'm trying to decide whether surviving was a good thing or a bad thing. Good, I guess. At least at the moment. I look over at Sonic, who's still sitting there, and I don't know what to think. We kissed. I remember it. I remember how it felt. But now I don't know how to feel.

He must have seen the doubt in my face, "Scourge? You okay?"

"I… I'm…" Well shit, here comes Mister Pathetic again. I start crying, "I don't _know_… I'm just… just…" I'm just so fucking _tired_… "What we did… What happened after I blacked out?"

"The guys came. They had an ambulance coming too. They loaded you up, and brought you back here. That's about-"

"Did they see… us?"

I hear the hesitation, "No."

"The things you said… the things I said… do you think we said them just because I was dying?"

Another hesitation, "Scourge… everything I said… I was… serious," he looks me in the eye, "We understand each other… not the normal way, but I do know how it feels to lose things. I do know how it feels to be alone. And I know how good it feels when you're not alone any more. Scourge, you're not a bad guy. You've just made some bad choices."

He takes my hand, and I'm terrified. I squeeze it tightly and he squeezes back, "I'll ruin your life. I ruin everything I touch. And I… I can't do this!" I'm sobbing now, "I don't know _how_ to… to… I don't know what to do! I _can't_ make the right choice! I don't know how!"

And he wraps his arms around me and hugs me carefully, "Listen to me when I say it's okay. Don't panic. Don't get like this, green man. You're not the only one who's had trouble with that. I know a guy… Just relax…"

I realise that he's kissed me on the cheek just then. And a massive wave of relief washes over me – somehow it's an assurance that last night wasn't a freakish imagination. I relax like he wants me to, and he lies me down, "I just… don't know…"

"It's okay. I swear, Scourge. You're safe here. _Nobody_ is going to hurt you."

* * *

I must have slept, because that's how you wake up. What woke me up? Finished sleeping? Or did I hear something? Yeah, I think I did. Maybe the door?

"Scourge?" It's Sonic. He parts the curtain and comes to the bedside, "Oh, hey there. You've been sleeping a lot. How're you doing today?"

"I can see it in your eyes," I shrug and look around me, "I look like crap, don't I?"

"Well, yeah… but you heard the doc. It'll clear up. You just got a bit of a jump yesterday. You don't have to worry about that either. Couple of hours ago, the No-Zone Cops came and dredged all of your goons up for unauthorised Zone Travel with malicious intent."

I look down, "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"

"No! I'll look after you," he takes my hand, "I told you I knew a guy and he's coming over right about now…" we both look up as the curtains part, and I'm looking at burning red eyes and a perpetual glare, "Hey, Shads."

"Hello, Sonic," he turns his death glare on me, "Hello, Scourge." The way he says it makes it synonymous with the word 'scum', and I can't really blame him, "Didn't I beat you up once?"

"Didn't you have help?"

He turns his glare back on Sonic, "I still don't see why you need me to speak to him. He's evil. He's threatened to destroy both of our worlds, remember?"

Sonic shakes his head, "No, Shadow, he's not evil! He's just… kinda messed up right now. Besides," he smirks, "Haven't you threatened to destroy the world at _least_ once?"

"Yes, but-" he cuts off, "Well, you owe me for this, blue."

"No problem. Amy's 17 now," a smug look comes to Sonic's face, "She's hitting that age where she's eyeing up surly guys with motorcycles and trenchcoats and a bad attitude towards authority."

"Who said- I mean, I do _not_ have-" Shadow starts blushing like crazy, "Never mind. Let's get this over with," he turns to me, pacing a little, "I do like what you've done with your face."

"And yet it's still looking better than yours." Shadow's the kind of guy who inspires a grandstanding match. We both look at Sonic, "It's okay, Sonic. You brought him here for a reason. You can go…"

"Well… okay…" he walks away, although I wouldn't be surprised if he's still in listening distance.

"So, why are you here?"

Shadow rearranges the dirty black trenchcoat he's wearing and takes a seat, "Apparently Sonic wants me to tell you all about how it's possible to turn from an asshole into a nice guy," he frowns, "I disagree. I am _still_ an asshole. But still…" he pauses, "Somehow that blue _idiot_ convinces me that I can tell 'Evil Sonic' that he can change for the better."

"Yeah. Back when I gave a shit, you had qualities I would have liked if you hadn't aimed them at me. Also, it's Scourge now. And... Sonic isn't an idiot." Damn. I'm actually standing up for him?

"It doesn't matter to me whether you reform or stay bad; I can beat you down either way," he leans back, "Nor does it matter to me that when I asked Sonic why he gave a crap, he started bullshitting and blushing like a schoolgirl."

"He… what?"

"But since he can't convince you that it is possible to stop being evil, I suppose I must," he finishes, "And I'll start with saying that yes, I have made bad choices. I have deliberately killed people to fulfil my own selfish goals. And I have stood on the edge of a bridge and tried to convince myself to jump. Not entirely unlike you. Of course, the thickest thing alive maintains that I am now one of the good guys."

"How can you know you won't go back there? How do you know you won't hurt your friends again?"

"Oh, but I have," he looks down, ashamed. Then he looks up again, "And they have _forgiven_ me."

"I don't have friends."

"Nobody has friends at first. They have… people they hang around with," he smirks, "And when the world goes to hell, your friends are the people who stand by you. And when it's all over, they are the people who walk back with you. From the current appearance of your face… I should guess that you have at least _one_ friend."

"Stop talking like a fortune cookie!" I start sitting up, and promptly regret it because of… well, you know, "DAMN! Do you really think there's good in everybody?"

"Maria did," he shrugs, "And it would be nice if that was true, wouldn't it?" he looks thoughtful, "But I have committed the most despicable of acts. I have wallowed in the pit of despair. And I have teetered upon the very _brink_ of insanity. And yet, here I am," he stands up, ready to leave, "And here _you_ are, Scourge. When life gives you a second chance, don't waste it."

I fall silent for a bit, and then Sonic walks back in, "Thanks, Shads! I think you both did great."

"Hmph."

"Well anyway, don't you want Amy's cell-phone number?" Sonic holds something out and Shadow snatches it and crumples it into a pocket, "Now I-"

Then the door opens again, and that stupid-looking-kid with the weird hair comes in. It's weird, y'know? Isn't he from the future? What's he doing back here, causing paradoxes? "Uh, hey Shadow… Sonic… uh, hey Scourge…" he waves at me a bit.

"Hey, Silver!" Sonic grins. Shadow grunts a hearty welcome.

White-boy shuffles his feet, "I hate to interrupt you like this but… there's this thing…"

"Okay, boy," Shadow grinds his teeth in obvious frustration, "What did you break _this_ time?"

"NO!" Silver grins awkwardly, "No, nothing like that! It's kind of about Scourge…" he looks at me awkwardly, "Uh… I just heard the Zone Cops want to talk to you. A lot."

"WHAT?! When?"

"Through that door," Silver points, "Right about… now."

I don't even wait. I vault right out of bed, which is a bad idea because I collapse instantly, ripping the damn IV out of my arm and just about keeping from screaming as that screw Zonic comes in. So I slump on the floor. Guess there's not much I can do…

Sonic tries to pick me up, while Shadow looks on impassively, "Very well, I'll just step outside," he grabs Silver by the ear, "Come along, boy…"

"Owowow…"

"Scourge," Sonic tries to help me up as Shadow pulls Silver out and the screws approach, "Scourge, come on, I'm sure it's-"

"Sonic… if I could punch you in the face right now, what do you think I'd be doing?" I roll onto my back, the effort leaving me completely out of breath, "I'm not going back to prison! I'm not! I… I…" I burst into tears again. So much for life picking up. I'm crying in front of _screws_, "I'm not talking to them!"

"Would you guys just… step back for a bit?" Sonic asks them, and kneels beside me, "Come on, Scourge… have you actually done anything wrong?" I think even he knows that was a stupid question though, "Okay. Come on, I'm right here."

I roll onto my side, "I wish I was dead…"

"It'll be okay. Just… get back into bed, okay? They can't take you anywhere when you're like this…"

I know cops, so I don't really believe him. But I can't get up; it takes him and Doctor Quack to lever me back into bed. My brain keeps telling me it was just a beating, but my body… well, it hurts a lot, okay?

I know _he_ thinks I can… but I still don't know if I can _do_ this…

* * *

**You are my source of strength,  
I've traded everything,  
That I love for this one thing,  
Don't leave me here like this,  
Can't hear me scream from the abyss,  
And now I wish for you my desire,**

**Don't leave me alone,  
'Cause I barely see at all,  
Don't leave me alone, I'm…**

**Falling in the black,  
Slipping through the cracks,  
Fall into the depths, can I ever go back?  
Dreaming of the way it used to be,  
Can you hear me?  
Falling in the black,  
Slipping through the cracks,  
Fall into the depths, can I ever go back?  
Falling inside the black…**

* * *

Breech: I'm not sorry this chapter is 'late' because then I wouldn't have as much time to think about my main story and read my earlier stories involving non-suicidal cutting.

And to think this was only going to be a one-shot about the logistics of Scourge's universe being 'opposite'. Different stories appeal to different people, I guess. I do love your reviews though!


	6. Going Under

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: First Person is a funny thing to write. You can put it in present or past tense. Past usually gives you fairly clean thoughts and a memory, and that's cool. But I like to put it in the present tense, and I think you've noticed that makes a story feel _very_ fast. This story is exactly that.

That's probably why this story is working out so well – Scourge's story is hugely depressing, but he as a person is supposed to be fast and crazy. It balances out.

* * *

Chapter Six: Going Under

Do you know what the worst thing about being arrested by the Zone Cops is? It's all the zone jumping. I'm a fugitive from justice, so they take me back to No-Zone Jail – yes, Sonic throws a shit-fit; no, it doesn't change anything. I'd put up more of a fight if I could walk. Turned out that I was the one who had to calm him down. You can get into a shitton of trouble for punching a Zone Cop in the face, even if he is your double.

And yes, I'm currently cuffed to a bed in the infirmary, the back-rest propped so that I can sit up. I'm classed as a Code Blue, which is not exactly making me want to jump for joy because that is a pretty pathetic code. Although I still feel too shitty to deny it. Yup. Still loser material. By No-Zone standards, I'm basically being charged with trespassing and loitering.

Oh yeah, they're holding the Suppression Squad too on account of deliberately crossing zones to try and kill me. Now I'm being talked to about that by the 'Good Cop', who is incidentally Zamy Roze. It's as if I'll have forgotten how they've just quizzed me six hours straight on everything from the illegal zone-jumping to the regularity of my bowel movements.

I point at the bruising on my belly. I think it's been hurting worse. Sure hurts worse than the rest of me, anyway, "It's pretty obvious I didn't do this to myself, sweet-cheeks."

She's wearing the fake smile all 'Good Cops' put on when they're talking to bastards to try and make them think they're safe, "Yes Scourge, I know, but owing to your recent attempts at self-harm, there's the possibility that your attackers will use that as a defense."

I look up, "Who told _you_ about the self-harm crap?"

"Your, uh… caretaker. Sonic-Prime."

"Oh, yeah…" I lie back in the bed again. Well, I did hear him shouting at Zonic about 'he's not happy, he needs me'. Yeah, he was quizzed too, what with kicking the Suppression Squad's collective asses. I don't know what he told them, which is really making me sweat. I guess he would tell the truth, so I'm settling for that.

There's another shitty thing about being the evil version of Sonic. He's honest. I've got a well-deserved reputation as a pathological liar, so even when I tell the truth people think I'm lying.

"You want to see the ones I did to myself? I could go all week pointing 'em out. But beating myself to death? Come _on_, babe…" I sigh, "I told you, I was juiced up to the eyeballs. I'd just bought a fresh bottle. Then Prower jumped me and called the rest of them. They must've been close… they turned up almost before he could finish telling me how screwed I was."

"And then?"

"Fiona starts gloating and shit. Fucking bitch… Then she sets them on me for the kicking. Doesn't even have the guts to deal with me herself."

"Did you fight back?"

"I… sort of…"

She smiles in a way that's supposed to put me at ease but when you've been in my life, is just creepy, "Sort of?"

"Well, okay. Guess she would've showed you the cuts on her cheek. I slapped her."

"I bet that made her angry."

"Oh, hell yeah. She set them on me for the killing right there…" Shit, gotta be careful – Good Cops are butt-smackingly smart, "But damn, she was talking about turning me into a bed-slave. You don't know her like I do! She would've pulled it! I'd forgotten about the glass in my hand!"

"How could you forget about glass in your hand?"

"Because I was drunk, you stupid cunt! How many times do I have to tell you that?! Did she tell you I'd glassed her? Dumb bitch doesn't know what she's on about. If I'd glassed her properly, she'd be missing half her face!"

"But she didn't tell them to kill you until you hurt her?"

"Great. Make the green hedgehog with two stab wounds in his chest the bad guy."

"You must have been terrified… didn't you fight back?"

Ah. More leading questions. Zamy Roze, you are a lot smarter than your Prime ditzy double, "I would've, if I hadn't been so damn _drunk_. They kicked me a lot, before Prower picked me up and stabbed me. Twice. But don't think I'm singling him out… they probably drew lots."

"That must've hurt."

I stop myself before I can go on, then take a quick breath, "It would have hurt a lot more if I hadn't been so _drunk_. That was about when Sonic must've turned up. He told them to stop, then kicked their asses about as fast and easy as I'd expect. Seriously, you can't be saying he's in trouble? I was about to get stabbed to death!"

"And then?"

"Then I nearly died right fucking there. He saved my pathetic waste of a life! You're not saying he's in trouble for that?! No, you are! Because I shouldn't even be alive!"

"Let's go back a bit… why did you even leave his custody in the first place?"

"What? I… Because…" I swallow. The old fast-rewind. Specially developed by cops to get you messed up… to check you can turn out the same story, "Because I…" Aw, _shit_, "It's complicated."

"Well, try me anyway…"

"I just didn't feel like I should _be_ there, okay?"

"Why not?"

I grit my teeth. This bitch is _good_, "Fine! You win! I didn't think I should be there because he's the good guy and I'm the bad guy and I don't belong in his world! I fuck up everything I do! I! AM! A CRIMINAL! That's all I'll ever be!" I cover my face; hide it from her, "But I don't belong anywhere now. I'm just some kind of spin-off."

"Scourge… perhaps it would make you feel a little better to know that some No-Zone researchers have recently learned Sonic-Prime may not be _the_ actual Sonic-Prime and is in himself a… spin-off of another, even higher universe, as you call yourself?" she smiles.

"Not really, since it doesn't change what a fucking pathetic loser I am…" Chaos, this is so frustrating, "This is really getting to piss me off, Pinky. I'm tired, I'm hurting, and I want to _die_. What are you screws gonna _do_ with me already?!"

"Well obviously we had to question you in a safe place," she replies nicely, keeping her cool marvellously, "This is protective custody."

"That's right, I used to be a _threat_," I mutter, slumping back against the pillow.

"Right now though, we're waiting for your bail to clear."

"Bail?" I look up, "Who would be dumb enough-"

"How about you guess?" she asks me with a friendly little smile.

Right on cue, Zonic escorts Sonic into the infirmary. That's like, five hedgehogs in one room now. Kinda makes me wonder if Zonic is a fag too, but what Zamy said makes me less sure. Especially the way she's looking at him and the way he's _not_ looking at her. You can tell a lot about people by the way they don't look at each other.

Either way, Sonic… really rushes over to me, taking my hand. Gives me a good feeling inside. The same good feeling I always get when he holds me…

"You okay, man? You look stressed… The cops didn't give you too hard a time, did they?"

Guess he doesn't know much about the ex-con/screw relationship. Well, why would he? "Not really. I just…" I take a deep breath, "You're not in trouble for helping me out, are you?"

"I don't think so, why?"

"No reason. Don't sweat it…" Well, I guess I have the legal right to not be murdered. Laws exist to apply to everybody, even me, "Thanks for bailing me out. I bet I'm not cheap. Even when I look as shitty as this."

"No, you're _not_ cheap," He smiles, "Now come on, I know you can't move easy so I got a ride for us. Get you back home…"

"Home?" I don't know what that word means for me anymore.

"Well… back to Mobius Prime, anyway. I cut a deal with Zonic. I keep a close eye on you, and… well, they'll go easy on the zone-hopping stuff."

"Yeah, back to Mobius, that's cool…" I try and sit up, and stifle the pain. Hurts too much. I guess walking isn't an option, "Got any ideas on how?"

* * *

Anyway, they get me back in a special No-Zone transport. I can't imagine how many strings Sonic's pulled, but if I know anything about getting favours from screws, he's given himself full responsibility for me to the Zone Cops. That's a lot to do for a guy like me. Guess he must trust me a lot.

Which is a pretty fucking stupid thing to do, even if I don't have anything in the pipeline. Trusting me? Seriously? Doesn't he remember the kind of creep I am? I swear, I'm not _planning_ on doing anything wrong, but things do go wrong around me…

But now I'm back on Mobius Prime, lying in the hospital wearing Sonic's blue jammies, on account of I didn't exactly bring my own. Still got my shades on, natch. Hey, everybody's got their thing. I'm still hurting, still wishing I knew how to be a better person.

Unlike the movies, he can't stay here all day and night. I'm thinking about him a lot. About our… kiss. Gotta face it; I thought I was going to die then. Even now, the only good thing in my life is him and… and it's not supposed to be like that.

You're supposed to have _lots_ of good things in your life, not just one.

I want to see him right now so much but damn, my whole body still hurts. Bruises on my face are clearing up, the stitches are better, that damn patch is off, but where they set to kicking me in the stomach… really hurts. Really bad. It's totally weakass to be crying when you're on your own – almost as bad as crying in front of people, but damn...

Oh Chaos, can't stop thinking of Sonic… What the hell does he even see in me? I'm not a nice guy. It's probably pity. Maybe it's just him being an idiot. Chicks have a thing for bad boys – I've worked that angle all my life. But that's usually reliant on the bad boy not lying drunk in the gutter with an old-school pummelling to the face and stomach.

Oh Sonic, I miss you so bad…

I know I shouldn't be straining my stitches like this, but I drag myself out of the bed and limp to the phone. Oh shit, those damn cramps… I dial Sonic's number. Well, I _guess_ it. Turns out it's the same as mine was when I lived at home, only _backwards_. Which doesn't really make any sense but hey, what're you gonna do?

For once the world gives me a break and it's _him_ who answers, even at this time of night, sounding tired, "Yeah? What?"

"S-Sonic?" I stammer, trying not to move too much, "It… it's me, Scourge."

"Scourge? What're you doing? Are you out of bed? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess… I just… I just…" The words I wanted to say stick in my throat because suddenly it's so goddamn humiliating to say it, "It's just that I _hurt_ and I wanted to… wanted to…"

I hear him sigh on the other end, "Hang on, I'm coming over. Just get back into that bed, okay?"

"Okay." I hang up and do it. If I'm honest, that's what I wanted. Damn I'm selfish… Chaos only knows what time it is and I'm asking him to come visit me in the hospital when I'm in a mess that's all my fault-

I've barely finished thinking that before the curtain around the bed parts and he's already here. Yeah, took him less than a minute. Hey, he's Sonic the Hedgehog.

"Scourge? You okay?"

"I… kinda…" I shrug, "It hurts a lot, and I was feeling…" Lonely? That may be the right word, but that doesn't mean I want to _say_ it.

"Because you sounded like you… wanted somebody to talk to?" he hazards.

I nod, sitting on the edge of the bed. There's another thump to my gut, and I grimace, "It's pathetic, isn't it?" I tell him, "I just… a couple of years ago I'd be dead before I'd ask you for… for anything. Now I want to be dead except… except when… Oh Chaos, I'm just fucking everything up again-"

"Scourge," Sonic cuts me off and sits next to me on the bed, "Scourge, you don't automatically fuck things up just because you're _you_."

"Oh yeah? Tell me _one_ thing I've done right," I hold out my wrists, "I can't even off myself properly!"

He takes my wrists in his strong hands, "Maybe you were getting those things wrong because that's not what you should be doing? Maybe you'd be better at doing good things?"

"Oh Sonic, don't start that again… Look at me! Look at you! You're the hero on this planet. It doesn't need me."

"Sure it does. The world can always use more heroes," he strokes my cheek, "You're not _really_ my opposite, Scourge. You're brave, and smart, and determined. And an asshole. You just… use it on the wrong things. You can change that."

"What proof do you have, blue-boy?"

He looks into my eyes, "I don't need proof to know the sun will rise."

And our lips meet, him leading with one hand on my cheek, the other stroking my side. Warm and comforting. I can't help myself; I'm crying again… I keep trying not to but it all keeps spilling out. I pull back for a moment, "I shouldn't be… crying like this, it's so-"

"Hey, just let it all out. All of it," he smiles like he always smiles, "I won't tell anybody."

I look into his eyes and feel my chest hitch, and then we kiss again, stronger this time. His soft lips moving against mine, it's a slow movement, but warm and deep. And it's so _faggy_. It starts that way, and then it's changing, short and fast and getting faster, my eyes close and his hands are on my cheeks and my hands… I don't know _where_ to put my hands, they're shaking that bad.

It's scary, but… not like that. He's kissing me and it's like he's saying that night in the gutter wasn't just a crazy mistake – even if, y'know, it kinda was. Because it was me he kissed. But I don't know what to _do_. I put one hand on his shoulder, just to have it _somewhere_. Guess I am a fag after all. You should probably know that makes me want to be sick.

Except when I'm kissing him.

He's leading but… not pushing it… Everything he's doing feels good. Sure, he's not asking, but I think if he was stopping every few seconds to say 'Are you okay with this?' I'd say 'So what have you done with the _real_ Sonic?'. Or I'd just slug him one. That's Sonic. He respects people's judgement. I just go around letting them make mistakes. Sometimes I laugh at them behind their backs.

I mean seriously, this is a huge mistake and I'm just letting him make it. I am such an _asshole_.

I feel like I'm _drowning_… can't hardly breathe, my head's spinning… putting my other hand on his side as our lips meet and part rapidly, light kisses over and over and over again. Tilt my head back and he's kissing my chest and I'm not doing a damn _thing_ to stop him. He slides a hand under my bed-shirt, parting it slowly. Then he runs a hand down my belly–

And SHIT, I damn near _scream_ because it hurts, it really _hurts_. He's not even touching that hard. And now he's actually looking at it and I think he's really worried…

"Nnngh… not your… fault…" I clutch at it, "Oh damn! Just… hurts a lot…"

"Scourge, that's really… it's all purple, it looks _awful_…"

"No, I… just… been feeling kinda…" I wince, looking down. Oh, _wow_, "I can handle it. Guess I need more slee-"

"I'm gonna get Doctor Quack."

I stand up fast as him, grabbing his arm, "I told you, I'm gonna be- AAAAGH SHIT!" I collapse and just hit the floor, clutching at myself. That's what I get for standing up. When did it get this bad? "Oh shit, oh shit…" He's shouting for the doctor and I'm trying really hard not to scream but… I saw something about internal bleeding on some medical show once… has it been building up from the kicking yesterday? So much for 'no lasting damage', huh Doc? Makes me wish that old nag Doctor Kintobor was here.

He's pulling away, about to leave me to find Doctor Quack… On my knees I tighten my grip…

"Don't go… Oh damn, don't leave me Sonic…" Don't leave me, Sonic… I'm really getting scared…

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell _me?_"

"I thought it was just… another bruise, y'know? Thought it'd go away… Also… on account of being a complete fuck-face? Don't deserve you good people…" I try and stand, and my head spins and I scream. It's just bruising, it shouldn't be hurting this _bad_…

"Don't get up. Quack's running here," he sinks to his knees again, cradling me. It hurts and I can't hide it any more. Ah, crap, I'm even crying with it, "Don't, don't… It's gonna be okay-"

"No! No, it's not… I wish…" You would not _believe_ how bad this hurts. Like Rosie's hammer to the gut, only like all the time, not just one quick slam. I squeeze my eyes shut so's it's harder for the tears to spill over, "I wish I was the kinda guy who could believe that…"

"Then… why _not_ be that kind of guy?"

He kisses me gently, and when we break it he looks at me like he thinks I won't have anything to say back. Yeah, right. I can't help but grin, "How come all our nice times happen when I'm dying?"

He strokes a couple of tears off my cheeks, "No Scourge, you're not. I _promise _you-"

"Heh…" I put one finger over his lips. I'm not so blinded by the pain that I can't see him trying to hide how bad this is getting, "Liar…"

* * *

**Fifty-thousand tears I've cried,  
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you,  
And you still won't hear me,**

**Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself,  
Maybe I'll wake up for once,  
Not tormented daily defeated by you,  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom,**

**I'm dying again…**

**I'm going under, (going under…)  
Drowning in you, (drowning in you…)  
I'm falling forever, (falling forever…)  
I've got to break through,  
I'm going under…**

* * *

Breech: Go listen to "Going Under" by Evanescence. Is it MY fault that this fic is so depressing that only the super-emo bands make the right music for it? Well… probably…

Additionally, thanks most incredibly to AishaPaicha on account of making some fan-art for Chapter Five. She's that name on DA. I mean honestly, I didn't even ask for it!


	7. Last Resort

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: This week's song is Papa Roach with "Last Resort".

I've been there, y'know. There's a special kind of pit and you know you're in it when you wake up in the morning and think, "I spent all of yesterday bracing myself for today, and It will be the same tomorrow…" Anything else you consider doing that day is kind of superfluous.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Last Resort

"Sonic…"

I open my eyes. There's white _everywhere_. There's only one person who would call me 'Sonic'. One guy, anyway. I know that voice. And somebody comes into focus.

"D-Dad? But… you're dead! I spat on your body at the Wake!"

"Yes. I am dead. And now… so are you."

"I… I…" I look down at my hands. Try and get a hold of my fur to look at it. It's me. I'm… I'm… Oh Chaos, no… Oh no… wait, no? No, I don't want to be dead? Well, wasn't expecting to think that but, what the fuck, I'll- Wait… I look at him, and… there's something wrong. In fact… everything's wrong… "No. I'm not dead."

"Your heart isn't beating. You're not breathing. Therefore, you're dead. Come to my arms, my son," he spreads them wide.

"No, I'm not. This is a trick, and you're not my dad," I sneer, "I'm not dead. Wanna know how I know? My Dad… was a good man. Well, mostly good. He tried. If I was dead, I wouldn't see him. I'd be in Hell, seeing fire and somehow being made even more miserable."

"How do you know this isn't Heaven?"

"Because if, by some contrived coincidence it was possible to serve God by being an absolute bastard, my Dad wouldn't be in my Heaven," I grin, "What, you think I'm an idiot, mother-fucker? What are you trying to pull? Huh?!"

"But Sonic, I thought you wanted to die!"

"Damn right! I'm a shit-stain on the universe; the result of some jack-ass god deciding he wanted somebody to fuck with and didn't want to mess with the blue boy! I don't deserve to live! I wasn't intended to exist! But if I'm gonna die, it's gonna be on MY terms!"

Is it my imagination, or did I hear something thump?

"I'm not 'pulling' anything, Sonic."

"You know how else I know you're not my Dad?" I ask him.

And I roundhouse that dead, lying mother-fucker so hard that he's downed to the white floor.

Did something just thump again?

"My Dad would'a seen that one coming!" I crack my knuckles, "The name's _Scourge_ now. And no matter what the hell you are, by the time I'm done with you and head back to my cluster-fuck of a life… you'll remember it."

"Oh, crap…"

I step forward, grinning. Whatever this creep is, he sure chose the wrong shape to try and fake me out with, because I am going to enjoy the _hell_ out of this-

And then there's _another_ thump…

* * *

Somebody is holding onto my hand real tight. Squeezing so strong and… sobbing… "Scourge! Oh Chaos, _Scourge!_ Don't… Don't… Please don't give up…"

"Nnngh…"

"Scourge?"

I hurt. But nothing like as bad as before. Just regular old hurt. It's a blunt pain; the kind that means you're alive, and not dying. I still want to be dead… but on my terms. Hey, it's an improvement. Still… beating the ever-living shit out of that bastard who faked as my dad would have been _awesome_.

Guess I wasn't in Heaven after all.

"Scourge?"

I open my eyes and see his face… oh damn, it's so hard… "S-Sonic…" He's crying. He's actually crying over _me_. Was I really dead?

"Scourge!" he clutches me, "You lost so much blood… they said you'd stopped breathing and stuff and-"

"AAAGH SHIT! BASTARD!" He lets go of me in a hurry, and I gasp painfully, getting my breath back. Try and get a handle on where I am. Hospital bed. There's a shitton of blood all over the place. My bedshirt's off, there's an IV back in my wrist and I can hear a heart monitor beeping in the background.

"Sorry! I just forgot-"

"Hey, it's… okay… just go easy… warn me first next time?" I take a deep breath, "But why'd you bring me back? It was such a wonderful place… I was gonna beat three kinds of shit out of some fucker who faked as my dad…" But I manage to grin… let him know it's a joke.

Damn, he's still gulping back tears, "You nearly… They said…" he points at the doctors, "I mean, they sewed you up and they were trying, but… it was like, twenty minutes… I told them they had to _keep_ trying… because I knew that you wouldn't give up… You… you almost…"

He bursts into tears again and sinks to his knees. Grabs the sheets of the bed, twisting them up.

"Sonic… Sonic…" I croak, squeezing his hand, "Don't _ever_ cry over me…" I pick up my shades and put them back on.

"I'm just glad you're alive-"

"Yeah, well… you should probably go home. Get some sleep. If I'm tired, you're tired."

He looks kind of like a kicked dog for that, "I can't just leave you after you almost… How about if I'm quiet?"

"You? Quiet? Come off it, Sonic… Just go… I'm gonna be sleeping anyway. I'll be fine…"

He looks like he's really fighting it. I pull my hand out of his, "Well… okay…" He kisses me on the forehead, and I… turn out of it, not looking at him as he goes.

My head falls back against the bed. I can hear him trying to stop crying as he leaves. It's hard to describe. I'm glad I'm not dead. But I don't feel like I should be alive. It's all fading, anyway. All I know for sure is that I don't want Sonic to cry.

It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't care about _me_. He should care about somebody worthwhile. It's not like this universe is lacking in hot chicks. Of course, the last time I started thinking like that, I nearly got kicked to death.

It's still true though.

In theory I could do some assholish things to try and get him to hate me again, but… yeah, then he'd be in the shit with the Zone Cops. No matter what I do, I'm gonna hurt him. The doctors fuss for a bit longer, then leave me to myself.

Fuck, I'm so tired. I know, I know I told him I'd be sleeping. Yeah, that was a lie. I'm not much good at sleeping without my pills. I just wanted him to go. Because it's better that he doesn't sit around sniffling over an asshole who doesn't deserve it.

Oh Chaos, everything about this is so wrong. He's worrying about me. Everything I do hurts people. Even when I'm only trying to hurt myself. I'm so fucking sick of this…

I look around for something to do. _Anything_. Somebody left a box of disposable scalpels behind. I pick one out. Stare at my wrists for a bit where I really dug in.

Then I run my fingers further up my arm. Wonder what the doctors thought when they spotted these babies for the first time. It's amazing what long sleeves and a smart remark can hide. The _other_ cuts. Not very deep. Just deep enough to let me _feel_.

Some of them are less than two weeks old…

And careful, real careful. Because it's so easy… I add one more cut.

A few beads of blood spring up, and I grit my teeth and clench my fist. And if you think cutting is emo-dumbass, you have no idea how _good_ that one quick movement feels. Like I've been holding my breath forever and I just took a gasp of air.

So again. Just once more.

Yeah, that's a little better. Gives me a bit of a rush. Better than the Judas was, right?

But I can hear somebody coming now. Damn... Push the scalpel under the pillow. I lick off the blood fast, and pull on my jacket real fast to cover up the fresh cuts. Lie back again and steady my breathing. It's the Duck Doc.

I steady my expression, "So, doc… when do I get out? Because I can tell you, if your misdiagnosing shit doesn't kill me, the boredom will."

He checks his notepad, "Two days."

"Two days?! Two fucking days?!" Ah, shit. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm miserable. But being tired and miserable while cooped up in here… "I'm gonna go crazy!"

"Scourge, calm down. You're exhausted. You need to get some sleep."

I rub my face, "I already told you man, I take _pills_ for that… I have a prescription…"

"Yes, on Moebius. With Moebian medicine."

"Oh, for fuck's sake…"

Now he's talking medical shit about my condition having improved but needing monitoring, as if he'd give a rat's ass if Sonic hadn't told him to do it. I think he asks about the cuts, but I just curl up on my side and think about how much my life sucks, all over again. Yes, the moving kinda hurts. But a lot less than it did.

At least I'm not crying. After a while he's finished talking and goes away. Okay, okay, I'll try and sleep…

* * *

Well, I managed to close my eyes for a few hours. Didn't have the nightmares. But whatever it was, it wasn't sleep. Real sleep doesn't leave you with a mouthful of mothballs. And now I'm just lying here, trying to 'rest', with nothing to do but think about what an asshole I am.

Well, fuck this. Since when did I ever do what the Doctor told me?

I try and look myself over. Okay, it hurts pretty bad when I get out of the bed. But my chest feels fine by now, and most of the bruises are on their way out. There's a thin line and stitches over my stomach where they must have cut me open. Not like the dark scars on my chest; it'll heal up fine.

Look at my own face in the mirror. Yeah, that doesn't make me feel any better. I pull the IV out of my wrist. Pick up another disposable scalpel. Take that stupid heart monitor off my finger. Of course it starts up the helluva fuss, and I just… kick it over. Doesn't keep it making noise. I'm sick of people making me lie around in a goddamn hospital bed. I limp out of there at high speed.

Bundle a fresh scalpel into my jacket pocket. Shouldn't do. Wouldn't need to if I still had my switchblade…

Don't want to be there.

Don't want to be _anywhere_.

Head out the door, trying not to mess with those fresh stitches. Yes, they hurt, but compared to a few hours ago it's a tickle.

Don't know where to go, to be honest. It's late and there's not many people around. I don't want to be around here, but I can't bear to run away like I did before.

I hurry out of town, huddled in on myself… Out to the Chao Garden. It's quiet there, if you don't count all the little Chao that start squeaking all excited as soon as they spot me. I sit down and manage to shoo most of them away, except the one that looks like it's turning a bit green. That one's being stubborn.

"Y'know, you're kind of cute…" I pat it on the head, "I _hate_ cute."

I pull out the scalpel and turn it over in my hand. Then I push up my sleeve to see the fresh cuts. The bleeding has stopped by now, obviously. But it's kind of a mess. I look for a space between the scars. There aren't many left. Not enough to die. Just enough to _feel_.

Breathe in. One slash. Breathe out. Watch it bleed.

Now again-

"Scourge!"

"Dammit!" I pull my sleeves down fast as Sonic runs up, and stash the scalpel in a pocket, "You again?"

"And it's good to see you too! They said you left the infirmary way too early… not checking out. They thought you were running off again and… I came here first. To check. And you're here."

I put on a weakass fake grin, "Yeah, well! It's calm and clean and quiet!" The Chao squeak again, "Kind of."

"Yeah… except…" he turns to me and grabs my arms, then pushes up my sleeves to see the three fresh cuts on my left arm, "Aw, Scourge! You almost died a few hours ago!"

I snatch my arms away from him and turn away, "Hey, I wasn't going to kill myself!"

"That doesn't make this okay!"

"Why? Because it makes _you_ sad?"

"Yes! No! Kind of! Just stop, okay! This isn't the answer! It won't help!"

"Quit _patronising_ me!" I get back to my feet, "I _know_ that!"

He stands and looks me in the eyes, almost screaming, "Then why are you even _doing_ it?!"

"Because I just can't think of any reason not to!" I grab hold of my quills and pull in sheer frustration, "Tell me something I don't know!"

"Fine!" he grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me, "YOU! ARE! SCARING ME!"

"What?"

"Every time I take my eyes off you, I'm terrified you'll go and do something like… like this!" he takes a deep breath, shaking a bit, "Scourge… please… just… look at me and give me your arm."

"Why?"

"Trust me, okay? Keep looking into my eyes…"

Okay. I'll trust him. I don't do that often. But I let him take my arm. He wets a piece of cloth in the clean water and wipes the blood off my skin. Then he pulls out a soft-tip marker pen. I can feel him drawing something on my arm, where all the lines are. Then he stops and hands me the marker.

"Okay, you finish it."

I look down. He's drawn the body and one wing of a butterfly. I can't help but smile. My hand's shaking so bad I can hardly hold the pen, but I manage to add the other wing, and antennae and a couple of spots on the wings…

"Okay, just keep saying to yourself 'We made it together'… and take the knife out of your pocket, and give it to me."

I take out the scalpel. My hand's still shaking something awful and for a moment it hovers right over the butterfly. But Sonic's still holding out his hand and I'm whispering those four words so quiet I don't know if he can hear and… eventually… I manage to give it to him. He's holding the knife, and I'm not.

Totally wussy, huh?

We stand there and he puts a strong arm around my shoulder. I press my face to the peach fur on his chest. I'm not crying, but damn, I'm shaking so hard…

"I guess I'm not the only one who's scared-"

I push him back bitterly, "Are _you_ gonna call me weak too?"

"What?"

"Back when Fiona still loved me, I was telling her how bad I felt… how I wanted to die. And we sat down and she told me, all wise-like, that killing yourself is the easy way out and you're braver when you face another day…"

"Well, that's a pretty stupid thing to say," I look up at him as he holds me again, warm and close, "Did she really think that'd make you feel better?"

"I just… I just…" I lean against him, hiding my face again. I'm not crying. At least he's here.

"I guess sooner or later, _everybody_ starts running out of steam. You've faced a lot, all alone…" he kisses me on the top of the head and I feel him smile as he does so, "You still look like a tough guy to me…"

* * *

**Cut my life into pieces,  
This is my last resort,  
Suffocation, no breathing,  
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding,**

**Would it be wrong, would it be right,  
If I took my life tonight?  
Chances are that I might,  
Mutilation out of sight,  
And I'm contemplating suicide,**

**'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind,  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine,  
Losing my sight, losing my mind,  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine,**

**Nothing's alright, nothing is fine,**

**I'm running and I'm crying…**

* * *

Breech: Well, Scourge has survived thus far… but ever heard the word 'relapse'?


	8. Mouth Shut

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: Relapse. It's common among those suffering from depression. Just when you think they're getting better, they slip right back down for whatever reason – or no reason. And since you thought they were getting better and weren't paying attention, they may hurt themselves really badly.

Also, the Author's Notes in the first chapter have finally been edited to admit that this is not a one-shot. This week, try out Veronicas' "Mouth Shut".

* * *

Chapter Eight: Mouth Shut

It's been like, three days. Yes, Sonic got me to stay in the hospital an extra day. I've never been so bored in my life as when I was penned up in there. But most of the bandages are off, and ever since the thing with the Master Emerald I've been a fast healer. Still, not all of the bruises are gone. And there's still a thin line on my belly where they opened me up to stop the bleeding, but that's fading fast too.

Me and Sonic… we're walking down a street in Knothole, and I'm getting a lot of looks. Fear. Half of me enjoys it. The other half hates that I enjoy it.

I smile anyway, trying so hard to act like, you know… we're buddies.

Just buddies.

If I can convince him, I might just be able to convince myself too.

We're laughing and joking. I'm telling him all my dirty jokes; the ones that would make a hooker squirm. I mean, he started it.

"What did the bread say to the toaster?" he asked me, "You're hot!" And I took that as a challenge.

Here's my latest one, "A bunch of guys are on a long sea voyage. After a few days the new guy gets horny, so he goes up to the Captain, "What do you guys do when you get horny?" The Captain says, "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it. You can use that any time you like, except Tuesdays." The guy asks, "Why not Tuesdays?" The Captain grins and says, "Cause that's your day in the barrel"."

It's kind of fun to see him blushing. I know a million of them, a million times worse.

I'm having fun, putting off the inevitable.

This isn't right. I don't deserve him. Besides, my wrists keep screaming for attention of the sharp kind. I'm gonna disappoint him any moment.

"Sonic, I'm sorry," I tell him suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I… I mean…" I swallow and try to grin, "Sorry all my best jokes are dirty ones. And by sorry, I mean, you're welcome."

"Yeah, that's cool," he tells me. He keeps talking, and I don't try to stop him because if I open my mouth, I feel like I'm going to scream. He's the good guy… he deserves to be happy. And I can't do that for him.

And everybody is looking. Used to be I loved that. I'd just gobble up their fear like a fresh chilli dog. But when it's me and Sonic… if he goes gay with an asshole like me, do you really think he'll still be a hero? Even if he's right and they don't hate him for being a fag, they'll see me next to him. Or worse, they'll see the parts of me that are in him.

"I… I have to go."

He looks up. I must have interrupted him saying something, "What? Where?"

"I have to… have to…"

"Oh no. You're not running off to cut yourself again."

"I'm not, I just… don't want to be around you all the time!" I push him away, "Leave me alone!"

"Did I-" He looks like I kicked him, but then it changes to anger. It's killing me inside. Part of me wants to throw myself on my knees and beg forgiveness - NO! I can't let this go on, I have to think for once! It's not me, it's him. So I have to save him from himself.

"You are such a prick. Thinking we can actually be friends. Thinking you can change me. People don't change, Blue!" He starts to reach out and I slap his hand away, "Don't!"

"And where do you think you'll go? What, you _want_ to get kicked to death again or something?"

"It might just be better than looking at your smug face all day!" I turn my back before he can catch out at me again, and hurry away.

Don't look back… don't look back…

* * *

Despite the temptations, I'm not intending to slash my wrists – at least not right now. I just want to catch my breath. Try and… try and think straight.

So I'm standing under a tree, leaning my forehead against the bark and squeezing my eyes shut. No, don't cry, don't cry. I don't even have a reason. It's just so… hard.

It's turning out exactly the way I knew it would do. Everything around me is going wrong. Sonic is a fag, and me… well, I don't know what I am. I hate fags. How can I be one? Then again, I hate myself too. If only there was somebody I could talk to… somebody who isn't Sonic.

No, wait. There is.

Shadow. I'm looking for Shadow – while trying to ignore the way people are just… looking at me. Waiting for me to turn on them. After the way I've just spoken to Sonic, they could be right. I'm not scared of them. Thinking about them makes me feel kind of _angry_.

It's not hard to find Blackie, although it's kind of crazy. A hedgehog whose quills are painted in the universal colours of badassery stands out pretty well even in the biggest of crowds, but I sure didn't expect to run into him clutching a half-dozen red roses and what is probably a pink box of chocolates. The box is shaped like a heart, by the way.

I vaguely remember what Sonic said to him about Amy a few weeks ago.

He sees me looking at them and there's a look on his face like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Then he realises who he is, and rearranges them more confidently, "What do you want, Green Fake?"

I look from him, to Amy's place, which is across the road, "Have you actually given _anything_ to Pinky yet?"

"Oh, shut up and answer my question."

"Because I would totally hit that. If she wasn't still pissed at me for hitting on her when she was 12 while dressed as Sonic. I mean geez, don't chicks ever let these things go?"

Shadow folds his arms, "Are you here to point out the many obvious fallacies in my courting approaches, or do you have something of value to say?"

"Okay, here's the deal. You know about Sonic liking me, right?"

"Yes, I've always believed he'd eventually realise what a fag he is. What about it?"

"Okay, here's the thing," I take a deep breath, "You're the closest thing to me in this universe," he gives me a 1000 kilowatt death-glare, "Which could explain why I can't stand you, but I need to ask you something. How do you get a chick to stop liking you?"

He looks like my question's taken him right off guard for a moment, and then nods, "Well in my experiences with Rouge, these include… slurping your soup in restaurants, squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end, not skipping page 3 of newspapers, scratching your balls in public, blowing your nose too loudly, looking at other women, going out to the bar without telling her, coming back from the bar after nine in the evening, looking at the waitresses' ass, forgetting to water the plants, watering the plants too much, not mowing the lawn, mowing the lawn too late, leaving the toilet seat up, leaving out the garbage on the wrong day, mixing up the recyclables, standing behind other chicks in the queue, not saying she looks good when you're getting ready to go out, not looking at her when you say she looks good, not saying she looks good fast enough, saying she looks good too fast, snoring, telling her _she_ snores, not making the bed, asking for sex too much, not asking for sex often enough-"

I cut him off. I _know_ all that, "Okay, okay, guess I have to be more specific. How do I get _Sonic_ to stop liking me? Fast."

"Well, in the soaps there is the eternally successful method of screwing somebody else, letting him find out and then calling him an idiot… This of course relies on you being capable of finding somebody who would help you hurt Sonic like that," he catches me looking at him thoughtfully, "Don't even _go_ there."

"I'm trying to _help_ him."

"Obviously. Now… while nothing would delight me more to see the blue hedgehog sobbing on his knees… I'm far from eager to aid you in your ridiculous attempt at self-destruction," Shadow sneers, "I get what you're pulling. If you're so sure that you're so bad for him, why not kill yourself properly?"

My jaw drops.

"If it's such a huge mistake, he'll get over you," he tilts his head, "Or you could just ask yourself why you're going to all the trouble of trying to push him away without hurting him," he glances across the road, "Now if you don't mind, I have to fit these through a letterbox."

"Why don't you just give them to her yourself?"

"Says the world-renowned expert on love," we cross the road, then Shadow lifts Amy's letterbox while I watch him twitching nervously, "The love isn't what's hurting you, Scourge. It's the change-"

Which is about when Amy's door opens, and she catches the black and red hedgehog trying to stuff a half-dozen red roses through her letterbox. He's starting to turn redder than a freshman with a crush, and she's suddenly started to smile.

I slap a hand on both of their shoulders at once, "Well, I'll leave you two to discuss the technicalities of love alone, shall I?"

I dodge out of there before Shadow can deck me.

* * *

Well, Shadow didn't help in the slightest. I've been thinking for hours and he's obviously being his old cryptic self probably to spite me, and I'm sitting on a bench in the park, aware that everybody is either terrified of me, or they hate me. Just like Moebius.

I guess… I guess being depressed is kind of like having cancer. Before it happens, you think it'll never happen to you. When you get it, you wonder if there was anything you could have done differently. And when people tell you to ignore it because it'll just go away, you die a little inside.

How can I take one day at a time when every one of them feels the same?

I push up one sleeve and trace my fingers over the scars, both faded and fresh. And then of course, there's the butterfly Sonic and I drew in the Chao Garden on top of them.

I'm trying to think up ways to hurt him without hurting him too much, even though I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to end up hurting him way too deep. Yeah. So much for the Butterfly Project shiznit.

I reach into my pocket just out of habit, but obviously nothing's in it and I feel lost without it. I run a finger over it, "We made it together, right?" I tell it, "Except we're not gonna. Because I'm an asshole who hurts people. I don't know how to do anything else, I just end up-"

"Scourge!" Hearing his voice, I feel like I can breathe again. I drag down the sleeves – I know I haven't done anything on them but… He sits next to me, and I start- "No, don't smile if you don't feel like it. But when you went off like that, I was worrying about you."

"Well… don't."

"You can't stop me," he grabs my wrists and pushes my sleeves way up, checking for blood. I feel his fingers move gently over the old cuts. When he doesn't find anything fresh, I hear him give a huge sigh of relief, "Listen, if you're scared about-"

"Sonic?" I interrupt, "What would you do if somebody you cared about… hurt you?"

He grins, "I would rip off their skin, and tear them limb from limb."

"Really?"

"Just kidding," he takes my face in both hands, and devil-blue locks with emerald green, "I would crawl sobbing on my belly through the dirt, just to beg their forgiveness for whatever I must have done so wrong to drive them to it…"

We start leaning in, and then I catch his hands and push them back carefully, "Sonic, if ever I hurt you… rip off my skin."

He looks a little sad, "Scourge, I _know_ those kisses weren't flukes. I felt it. In you. In me. You do know I don't care what anybody thinks about us, right? Why are you so worried about that?"

_Because you're trusting and selfless. Because you don't know people the way I do. Because I care what they think about you._ Instead, I smile, "I just don't deserve you."

"Who does?" he laughs at his own joke, then gets serious again, "Scourge, I… I really want you to be happy. With me, or without me… but it won't happen if you don't want to be happy too."

"Sonic," I take a deep breath. I have to tell him… that I'm an asshole. Have to make him understand that he's better off without me, "I have to tell you something…"

"No, don't. Listen, if it makes you feel better, there's a mission to an Eggman facility in a couple of days. Well, kind of a facility. Hidden base, really. Wanna come? It's your chance to show everybody here that you're one of the good guys."

"You're taking me, Evil Sonic, on a dangerous mission that will require close team-work and trust?" I ask, "Sonic, are you a complete moron?" I pull on my toxic-green quills and tap my razor-sharp teeth, "Do I look like I'd sacrifice my own personal safety for a bunch of pillocks who hate me? That's something heroes do! And I'm no hero."

He starts going on about how anybody can be a hero. Damn, he's so good at being a hero, he thinks it's easy.

"Now, what were you going to tell me?" he asks.

I sigh in defeat, "Oh, nothing important. Just thinking about how you really _are_ a hero. Trying to change a jerk like me this way," I shake my head, "Do you know what they say about heroes, Sonic? Heroes are _always late_."

"It's never too late to be a good guy," he puts a warm arm around my shoulders, and slowly pulls me close. There's a long moment... his breath is warm and steady on my neck and oh no, my hand's gone back to his side. Anybody who might pass could see, and it's obvious he doesn't give a shit.

Especially when his fingers accidentally brush against my leg.

Worst part? I'm not even surprised. I just feel a shudder pass through me. If I wanted to, we could be making out in seconds, one of us on his back and getting up a good grind. And oh fuck, I'm not even sure which way up we'd be.

Want to… want to… want to…

But he pulls back before I snap – it wasn't some stupid tease; Sonic isn't like that. All he did was hold me and I nearly jumped him. I don't think he even gets what his body is doing to mine now.

That's so damn _faggy._

"You don't have to be squeaky clean to be a good guy. I guess maybe I like you better without a polish," he grins, "But think of all the people you'll be pissing off when you show them how wrong they were about you being a nice guy!"

"Well…" I think about it, trying to steady my breathing. I'll never be a hero, no matter what Sonic says. I'm not gonna put myself in danger for people who hate me, I'm not gonna stay my hand because it's the right thing to do, and sure as hell I'm not gonna sacrifice my life for the greater good. Still…

"To pissing people off!"

"To pissing people off!"

* * *

**I kept my mouth shut for too long,  
All this time you got me wrong,  
Now we're in this way too far,  
I'm about to break your heart,  
Tear everything we had apart,**

**'Cause I'm feeling lost  
When I'm in your arms,  
The reasons are gone  
For why I was holding on to you,  
I tried so hard to be the one,  
I don't like who I've become…**

* * *

Breech: What I _really_ want to know is what you think of the style of the fic, not just the content. I mean, it's obvious that you like Scourge being sensitive and fragile and needing comfort, but how do you feel about this First-Person, Present Tense style that I use?


	9. Betrayed Me

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: I'm so glad I picked the right POV! It's kind of hard to do realistic depression _without_ being repetitive, but I'm doing what I can to shake it up. It's that, or end up writing another pile of crap that results in sex solving all of their problems.

This week's song: Adema's "Betrayed Me".

* * *

Chapter Nine: Betrayed Me

It's amazing how a couple of days can feel like a week. Just like how a week can feel like an eternity.

Sonic's marvellous mission to help people – specifically me - is all nicely arranged. His ex-chick Sally thought up all the plans. If I'd killed her first, back when I thought I was worth something and my smile didn't fall off my face, I might be running two planets by now. Or I might have spin-dashed them both. Just like me to think up something like that.

And she's definitely a bitch. Oh yeah, she acts all sweet, but she's such a _bitch_. You know, that special kind of bitch who's super-nice up until there's somebody better than her. And because there's nobody better than her, she's nice.

Not that it takes some special kind of bitch to hate me. They're all waiting for me to turn on them.

Again, I can't blame them. I'm wondering when it'll happen myself.

We're in the two-tailed freak's plane, headed to what is being called "Mission Circus Park".

"Okay guys and gals, this is a simple mission. Eggman's getting to build his manufacturing plants a little too close to home," Sonic grins, "We gotta send him a message. Because a mailbox is gonna be all that's left of the place! Any questions?"

"Ah still don't get why we need to bring the Green Jerk along," Bunnie tells him, "I mean, Scourge?" she looks at me, "What're you up to?"

"I think I liked you better in my dimension," I sneer at her, "Where you were dying slowly of NIDS."

"Guys, cool it!" Sonic laughs, "Teamwork, people!"

He starts going on about teamwork, just like a good guy should do. Sally joins in. Obviously it works. It would be inspiring, if I didn't know this was such a huge mistake. I shouldn't have looked at all, but the butterfly's faded and Sonic says that's because it's flown away – damn, he must have been looking up websites.

I just feel kind of lost. Fortunately, I've brought my switchblade. Just in case I get lonely. And no, Sonic doesn't know about it…

"What I don't get," I speak up, "Is why you guys don't have more weapons. I mean, sure, this ship is armed to the teeth," I tap my teeth, "But we're not gonna be on it for much longer. Seriously, Sonic? I don't need them, and you don't need them, but these guys?"

There's an unpleasant silence.

"I told you he wouldn't understand, Sonic," Sally sighs, "I agree that we need two super-fast hedgehogs on this mission, but we could have asked Shadow along."

"And leave Captain Evil at home guarding the women and children?" Sonic grins at me, and I put on my own grin, which may be a bad idea, because it's kind of scary. The snivelling coyote who rips off Patch edges away from me.

After the presentation is over, Sonic sits down next to me and takes my hand. I don't squeeze back, "Don't let what they're saying get to you," he tells me, "In a few hours we'll have proved them wrong. You're a good guy; trust me!"

"Sure thing, Sonic."

"Hey, all you have to do is not be evil! How easy is that? I'm distraction number one, you're distraction number two. Eggman's troops always go for me; when there's two of the Fastest Thing Alive, the Fattest Thing Alive won't know what hit him!"

I smile, because it's easier than seeing his face when I'm unhappy, and look out the window as we approach our destination.

Okay, it's not _exactly_ a weapons manufacturing plant. It's been built to look like a massive circus, just like the mission name. It was built from stolen rings and now it generates more rings. Sally-bitch says it should be closed down, but nobody's got the proof. Doctor Fatass has Egg-Pawns painted up as clowns and shit. Fox-boy and the girls and Coyote Jim there are going to find proof while me and Sonic bust up Egg Pawns. Typical distraction.

Sure, I may be Sonic's worthless asshole twin, but ain't no point saying I've lost anything more important than my own self-respect. I'm the fastest thing alive. Apart from Sonic. And Streaks. But you know what I mean.

We put in the communication ear-pieces, and the drop door opens.

"DROP AND CURL!"

I comply. We land almost as one, right outside the gate, because we're awesome like that. Obviously it's Sonic, so we can't just run in and start smashing; we have to do something cool first. And by cool, I mean annoying. And by annoying, I mean faggy. And by faggy, I mean _come on…_

We walk right up and Sonic puts his arm around my shoulder. I tilt my shades appropriately. It's not all an act, "Cute couples, half price!" he tells the bot on the desk.

It lets us in, and then about a million defences are activated. That was part of the plan. Split and start distracting. Him up high, me going down. Smashing up Eggman's robots is just like stomping the regional warlords on my planet, only with a different colour scheme.

Damn, I finally feel alive!

And then, because I'm an asshole and can't get anything right, there's suddenly this place where I've busted up Eggman's robots and something else happens.

There are a whole crapton of other guys aiming at me. Robots and humans. And let's face it, I can't stand humans. They're assholes.

"Scourge the Hedgehog! Hands in the air and hand yourself over to GUN!"

"Wait, the fuck?"

"We will not repeat the warning!"

GUN? Well, it is painted all over their crap. Wait, there was some kind of human army I stomped back on my planet. The Representatives for International Passivity. They took over their own government in a violent military coup; long story involving explosions and a lot of decent people getting murdered and a whole shitton of ballot-box-stuffing…

Nice name, but if they want to fake people out they need to work on their acronyms.

I kicked their asses pretty much solo, by the way.

So if they were triple-fried assholes on my planet…

"Listen, I'm with the good guys today-"

"Hands in the air!"

"Just ask-" a bunch of safeties turn off and I just… I'm trying, okay? See, even when I try… The world doesn't want me to be a good guy, it won't let me be good, I'm so sick of this! "Well, fuck this! You want another bad guy, you got one!"

I jump, then spin-dash into the nearest little floating mech. It drops a Semi-Auto Rifle. I pick it up. And I can hear a lot of shouting and they're trying to hit me but good luck with that, you miserable fucks.

Hey, it's a distraction, isn't it?

"SCOURGE!" Sounds like Sonic has finally caught on to how much I suck at being good, and he's shouting over the com link, "SCOURGE, YOU GOTTA STOP!"

"Then tell them to stop shooting at me, you spiky blue moron!" I start firing at a robot about five times my size and bring it down heavy.

"SCOURGE, GUN IS HERE TO BACK US UP!" Sally-bitch shouts at me.

"Can't talk! Busy right now, Babe!"

I rip the com-link off and toss it aside. I mean, I kicked up a bunch of Egg Pawns on my way in; you'd think they'd have gotten the idea by the time I'd gotten here. There's a load of trash around me and man, I am so angry…

"You bunch of assholes!" I kick some guy down and snatch up his handgun, cocking it and aiming, "Since you're the good guys, that means you're always right, I guess. You want a bad guy? Fine… then I'm the bad guy-"

Sonic slams into me even as I fire, throwing me right off target.

"Scourge, what the hell are you doing?!" I open my mouth to tell him that I plan to kill every mother's fuck who crosses me, and then I see the disappointment in his eyes, "Oh, forget it… Just get back to Knothole! I'll get the girls out myself!"

* * *

So surprise, surprise, the mission was a failure. Thankfully Sonic got everybody out before Eggman could waste the lot of them. It'd make for a great comic book or something, but it doesn't involve me, because I was too busy throwing off GUN and Eggman robots on my way back.

Alone.

They didn't get the proof, and they nearly got killed. Sonic's saying it's not my fault, it's all a misunderstanding of bad communications because GUN was snooping around on the exact same day, but I know how much I disappointed him.

Now Sally-bitch is on the web-cam or something apologising to GUN for everything, and they're demanding my head on a stick, and the Buns-fake is getting patched up in the Infirmary on account of people getting hurt and I can hear the news in the living room about me, Scourge, the complete failure who makes a mess of everything.

So now I'm locked in the bathroom and looking in the cabinet, but all they have is Paracetomal. I might as well try to hang myself with toilet paper.

"DAMMIT!" I toss it aside and sit on the toilet, hands in my quills. Seriously, the worst part is that I was trying. And then those GUN creeps turn up and I blow it. And I don't just result in my own fail. Oh no, I fail enough for all.

I should have slashed my wrists on the way back. Saved everybody some trouble.

Now Sonic is probably going to be in trouble with the Zone Cops too.

I've failed him _completely_. He took me on this stupid mission to prove that I can do something right, and I make everything foul up just by being there. I finger my switchblade for a bit. Then on reflex, I drag off my jacket and slash the knife across my arm quickly, watching the blood flow. Great. Now I've failed _again_. I'm just weak and stupid as well as a bad person.

I make myself sick.

Literally. I stand up, lift the toilet lid, and stick my fingers down my throat in an attempt to throw up everything that I am out of my body. I don't deserve to eat. I am a non-person. It's difficult because lunch was like, six hours ago.

I'm bringing up bile when Sonic thumps on the door, "Scourge? Scourge, I'm not mad at you…"

Why does everybody have to be so _nice_ about it? Oh, okay. Why does _he_ have to be so nice about it? Seriously, he's the one I've hurt worst today. I keep remembering his face when I was about to shoot that soldier. And I would have. And I regret not doing it. I mean, I regret… I regret…

"Please?" I bundle myself into the shower and turn it on. Then I curl up into the corner, still wearing my jacket, "Scourge, please at least say something…"

"I'm in here…" I pause, "I failed. I tried, and I failed." I cover my face with my hands, "I'm a bad guy… Nothing's changed…" There's hot blood trickling down my arm, and I stare at it.

"Don't make me break down the door, Scourge! Doors are expensive!"

At super-sonic speed, I unlock the door and return to my corner, cold water pouring down on me. A bad dog belongs in the corner. Sonic comes in and looks at me, bleeding and cringing soaking wet like the worthless shit I am.

"Oh, Scourge," he sits next to me, taking in the tablets strewn over the floor and the unflushed toilet, and my switchblade on the floor, then the blood on my arm. He wets paper and wipes it clean, and we're looking at the scars, only now there's going to be a fresh one. It's still bleeding, and he keeps wiping. Takes about twenty minutes until it stops and I'm clean.

"I'm sorry, Sonic… for being a complete disappointment," I hunch over, "I would have killed that guy, just like I would have killed myself. Just… give up on me, okay?"

"Never," he pulls out the pen and draws the butterfly again, "See?" he holds my cheeks, "Never, ever, will I stop believing that there is as much good in you as there is in me. Pick yourself up, make yourself strong again… You can do this…"

I want to ask if he's sure, except I know he will say he is. We look into each other's eyes.

"You say I'm a hero, huh? Well, heroes don't give up. And I will _never_ give up on you."

He kisses me lightly. And I start kissing him back, because I just need somebody who doesn't hate me right now. He's warm and gentle even though I don't deserve it. I pull back and jump to my feet, "This… isn't right…"

"Scourge… what do you mean?"

I feel like I can't breathe, pulling on my quills, "None of this! It isn't right! Me and you… there is nothing right about this! I hate fags! It's fucked up! I… I… Sonic, _please_, I shouldn't be here, I'll just destroy every-"

He shushes me again. Then he takes my arms and holds them and rolls up the sleeves and starts kissing the scars, each and every one of them. Then he holds me in his embrace, rocking me gently. He holds my hand on his chest, "You feel that? That's my heartbeat. All calm. I'm not worrying, and neither should you."

"I… Sonic, I really… it hurts inside and I…"

For a moment I feel like such a total weakass bitch, with him comforting me like this while we're standing in the shower while there's water pouring right down. But then we start kissing again and I feel calm. Well, at first. Every few seconds I'm ready to go crazy but we just keep on standing there and… well, it's not so bad.

"Come on. We'll just… sit down together, okay?"

He turns off the water and we walk into the living room and sit on the couch. Then he holds me. I'm still trembling, water dripping off me. I must look so pathetic, but he's still holding me and rocking me gently.

"It was an accident… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so weak…"

"It's okay, Scourge. There's nothing to forgive…"

No better way to put it; our lips meet and we start kissing. And then after a bit I'm panting, moaning for breath as we press together. Then I'm on my back on that couch and oh man, we're still kissing and it's endless. I slide my tongue into his mouth and wow, his mouth really tastes of chilli dogs.

Fortunately I like chilli dogs. But DAMN, you would not believe…

And oh yeah, I can hardly breathe and he's gasping and shaking. Then he takes one of my hands and I raise it over my head, writhing against him. He's not straddling me. Just lying on top of me and I just can't stop touching him as his other hand moves inside my jacket and down me, and then oh man, he's arching against me and moaning.

Doesn't feel like he's got much experience. But I'm burning up inside just the same.

Just kissing, over and over again, and touching, and sweating. Gotta admit, making out has never felt so good. I'm aching inside for more of this. My eyes close and it's all so deep. Can't hardly breathe… drowning in him… just want it to be this way forever as he lies on top of me and our lips move together.

For _hours_.

* * *

I don't know how much time has passed. Now he's asleep in _my_ lap, and I'm finally starting to doze off myself. Then his phone rings. I get up carefully and I snatch it up. Y'know, to let him sleep.

"Yeah? Who is it?"

"Hey, Baby… guess who got bailed out today…"

"F-Fiona?"

The phone goes down on her end. I drop it into the cradle and my heart is pounding. Why the hell am I so scared? I'm Scourge the Hedgehog. I could kick her ass three times before she'd hit the floor. Only reason she got so close last time was because I was wanting to die…

Not that I deserve to live, after what happened today. These are good people. I'll just hurt them again. I look over at Sonic sleeping on the couch, all peaceful-like. Oh man, what have I done? I can't, can't, _can't_ go on like this…

I just can't take this. I don't know what to do. I'm panicking again.

Only one thing I can think of. The switchblade is in the bathroom… I finger it for a bit and for a second I think about shoving it into my own gut and twisting. But then… then I just slip it in my pocket and do what I always do when I've got a problem.

I run.

* * *

**I had to leave so I could breathe,  
I hate to fight, that's not what I want,  
You were so true, too good to be true,  
I trusted you and fell apart again,**

**I cannot change the fact**  
**That you're not coming back,**  
**So depressed, I'm your slave,**

**Betrayed me, you're not the one**  
**To be trusted with my love,**  
**Betrayed me, you're not the one**  
**Who should be trusted with my love…**

* * *

Breech: Yup, Scourge is still capable of thoroughly kicking ass. And Moebius has a GUN counterpart, whaddaya know? Sadly, Scourge slipped up there, eh? I just feel like it's unrealistic that these cute 'butterfly' solutions work first time. But when you fail, just pick yourself up and keep trying, eh?

Hey, when this fic is finished, do you guys want a six-months-later sequel?


	10. All I Want

My Time Of Dying

By Breech Loader

* * *

Breech: It's just after Christmas, I'm slightly less tired and yet still not drunk. This week's song is "All I Want" by Staind.

I know there was no sex in this story, but I never really wanted there to be; it's a story about depression. And struggling with being gay.

* * *

Chapter Ten: All I Want

I ran away from Knothole a whole week ago and I swear, I haven't gotten drunk at all. Then again, I haven't given myself to eat much either.

I hate to admit this, even to myself, but damn, oh damn, I'm so scared. Hiding. Hiding from everybody and everything.

No, I'm honestly not scared of Fiona. Stupid bitch can only hurt me if I'll let her. But I'm scared just the same, Scared because I'm scared, I guess. And I'm cold, and tired, and wet, and hungry, and angry and just miserable in general.

And to cut, aha, it short, I feel like I could saw my flesh right down to the bone and not find anything to prove I'm alive. And there's a lot of dried blood on my arms from me stopping just short of doing it. I'm lost, and wet, and cold, and hungry, and tired, and lonely.

And the strangest thing of all is that I miss them. All of them.

I've never missed anybody before.

Keep running. Keep being afraid.

Why won't they just find me and bring me back?

Are they even looking for me?

Don't they care?

Do I?

I sit down, put my back up against the wall, and pull out my switchblade. Like a hundred times before, it hovers over that stupid butterfly.

I'm sick of running across the road. Time to take the long haul, down the street-

"I'm tired of seeing you do that."

I nearly shit myself. Look up.

Shadow raises an eyebrow, "You were so engrossed in yourself, you didn't even see me."

"How long have you been there?"

"I found you three days ago."

I think about that for a moment. Have I really been that engrossed in myself? Then why didn't you-"

"Because I was hoping I wouldn't need to," he leans against the wall, "I know how it feels to be lost, Green. Better than you might think…" he glares, "Do you know what it's like, to stare into your own face? Do you know what it's like, to have to fight copies of yourself? Do you know what it's like, to stare at your wrists and wonder what you'll find if you cut? Oh yes, I do know what it's like to be lost, very much indeed."

"And you came out of hiding to tell me that?"

"No, I'm here to tell you that Sonic is looking for you," he frowns, "Looking hard as hell. Got everybody looking for you, with whatever crappy persuasion he can think of. And he won't stop looking. He will find you. And he'll call, and you'll come running back. Like a dog. And he'll be so scared that you'll never get another chance."

I sag a little, because it's true.

Shadow holds up a finger, "But if you go back… if you go back to that stupid village, your choice… then he'll come back for you. No collars. No leashes. No cages."

"And you?"

"Me? I've done my part. I have more important things to do than drag you kicking and screaming back to Knothole. It's your choice, Scourge. Go back or be taken back."

It's not a question, and he doesn't give me time to think one up. He just revs up, and leaves me alone.

Alone to think.

What an asshole.

* * *

So yeah, it's a few hours later and I'm heading back. Not running. In fact, you might say I'm sneaking back. You might even say I've taken Captain Asshole's words to heart; I don't want to get caught just as I'm ready.

Turn up on the front doorstep.

Make them take me back.

And obviously, since they think I'm there because I'm happy there, Sonic won't be so scared.

Why did I even leave? Panic attack, I guess. My head's clearer. It sounds faggy, but talking about my problems really helped. Even if it was Shadow who did most of the talking about my problems.

Will I be happy there? I doubt it. I can't think straight; I don't want to go back anywhere. I want to be free. No master but the wind and the sky. I don't know what I want; do I want to be in Sonic's arms, or maybe even him in my arms?

I must look terrible. I roll up my sleeves briefly. Usually I don't roll them up unless I'm miserable and fingering the knife. I'm still miserable but I'm rolling them up just to see the scars and… yeah, it's amazing how you can get such a different point of view from two different moods. My arms are just a mess of unwashed, dried blood. The inside sleeves of my jacket can't be any better either.

It's raining, like the sky is conspiring to make me look even more pathetic than usual. So I'm kinda shuffling back, dredging my feet through the puddles as I enter Knothole. Ball up my fists and hunch myself up and just walk. Don't really know where to go. There's shouting though, so I follow that. Curious, I guess.

"I don't care, Sal! I can't just leave him in Eggman's grubby hands!"

"It's a trap, Sonic! Do you really think Robotnik will let you-"

"Of course it's a trap! I've walked ass-first into traps before! I'm not leaving him there!"

I must have made the pair of them shit themselves when I turn up, looking like something out of a zombie movie, "Uh… leaving who where?"

"SCOURGE!" Sonic grabs me and hugs me. Right there. In front of everybody, for several seconds. Then he breaks it and he's so obviously relieved, "How did you escape from Eggman?"

"Escape? I just… I didn't… huh?"

"Ahem," Sally taps me on the shoulder, "We got this message twenty minutes ago from Eggman…"

I watch as a hologram plays an image of Ro-Fatness gloating over capturing me and showing a picture of me imprisoned. Also, begging for mercy, which is a nice touch but also kind of insulting because if I'd been dumb enough to be caught by an idiot like him, I would be asking him to get it over with and shoot me.

"Yeah, uh… that must be a lie," well, congrats Captain Obvious, "I wasn't captured by anybody. I kinda… never mind… Back now. I… uh…" I shove my hands into my pockets and wander away. Sonic follows me, "I really mess things up, huh, Sonic? I could have gotten you killed…"

"Hey, I do that to myself every day," he takes my hand while I walk.

"I came to this world to die and now I just…" I roll up a sleeve and show him the shameful cuts and blood, and hear his sigh of disappointment. The rain's washing the blood away a bit, and I pull the sleeve down. We keep walking. I'm not really pulling him along but he's not really following me.

"Scourge, I think I should tell you-"

"Don't…" I put my shades back on and stare into the distance, into eternity. Somehow we've made our way back to the Chao Garden, with the little bubble-heads squeaking and getting on my nerves, and there's the green one like I said, rushing up to me, pretty damn fast. It's really persistent. Kinda looks a lot like me now. Except, y'know, for the thing about it being a Chao.

Really gotta ask Sonic about that sometime…

And anyway, he helps me wash the blood off my arms, even though the rest of me must look a real freakish mess.

Finally we sit by the waterfall, side-by-side.

The green Chao climbs into my lap this time and nuzzles me. I'm not really paying attention to it though; I just pat it on the head and put it aside, "I'm sorry," I tell him.

"For what?"

"No… no, I'm not…" I try to keep from hitting something, "It's you, it's… why are you being like this?!" Damn, if I'm not miserable, I'm so angry, "Why are you acting like… like things will get any better?"

"Sure they will."

"Because they can't get worse? I hate when people say hitting rock bottom means there's no way to go but up!" I can feel myself getting angrier, "There is no rock bottom! You can always sink deeper! I can't do this! Some days I'm amazed that I bleed!"

"No. It's not like that. Don't you get it, Scourge? You don't have to hit rock bottom before you get back up," Sonic takes a deep breath, "Trust me, okay?"

"Me running off like that could have gotten you wasted! Your dad was right; I'm a coward!" I'm shaking, "What would you know about any of what's going on in my head?!"

"I know I don't want it to be going on!" Sonic almost gets up, then stays where he is, "Sit back down. Relax!"

I remember what Shadow said. He probably didn't mean for it to be taken… well, whatever way he meant it to be taken, probably not this way, "Roll over? Beg? Like that?"

"Well, I would kinda like to see you on your back-"

"Dude! NOT FUNNY!"

"Okay, my bad," he holds out his hands, "Be cool, man. Chillax. No sweat. I'm right here."

"I… I…" He looks just fine, as usual. I'm muddy and rumpled and my quills are a greasy mess after going without a wash for a week, "I didn't mean to make so much trouble…" my chest hitches and I am just barely keeping from crying, "I didn't mean to put you in danger… I just wanted you to be happy…"

"But Scourge, I _am_ happy," he hooks his arms around my shoulders and looks me in the eyes, "Right now, I'm just happy that you're back and you're safe…"

We kiss, his way.

I close my eyes and let it all embrace me. The meaningless murmurs, the way he strokes me, the way I press myself to him… The way he's strong and gentle, the way he makes me feel safe but doesn't smother me, the way he makes my body feel so complete and yet ache so badly…

Through it all, I feel my revelation sink in. I came back. I really and truly came back, just for him, and he's not mad, and he's not locking me up or putting me under guard, or pouncing me, or raging like a total dick about how selfish and what a fail I am for the fresh cuts.

I break his kiss, "Hold up, I think something's wrong," I tell him, "This can't be a nice time for us."

He frowns, concerned, "What? Why not?"

I grin wickedly, "'Cause I'm not dying."

We kiss again, and this time, I'm the one tilting him a bit. I guess that takes him a little off-guard, but he's not letting that stop him and suddenly we're clutching at each other real tight. There's no way this is a soft little puppy kiss like the ones he gives to nice chicks.

Oh yeah, work those lips. Work them _my_ way.

It's hard to work out who's who.

We part, and it's me, because this is something I've got to tell him. Even if it's just so that I can tell him 'I told you so' one day. I have to tell him. Even if he'll never believe me.

"I'm not a hero, Sonic."

"Then what are you?"

I pause, because I don't know the answer to that question any more. I guess Shadow was right. I'm lost. But knowing that you have no idea where you're going is better than glancing at a fast-food restaurant map and trying to remember which direction North is.

"I'm just a hedgehog who gets things done."

With a green Chao tugging on my leg and me looking like I've been dumpster diving for a fortnight – which isn't far off the truth – I wrap my arms around him, and hold on real tight. And he holds on to me, and he's the only thing that matters right now. Warm body, warm lips, and our hands move lower, and it's heating up until every part of me is on fire.

I can feel it in him, every time we touch. He's pretending to know everything but he's really still as new to this faggot thing as me. Which is good. Because I really hate being outclassed by him.

I'll never have everything. I get that now. It was trying to have everything that landed me with nothing. If I have Sonic, at least I have _something_.

Let that be enough.

For now…

* * *

**What I leave, and when you go,  
What I see, and what you show,  
And what I guess, and when I don't,  
Is something you already, already know,**

**I can't live without,**  
**All I think about,**  
**All I want is you,**  
**You're all I dream about,**  
**I can't live without,**  
**All I want is you…**

**The things I do, what I go through,**  
**And all I say, when I'm away,**  
**And what I make, the shit I take,**  
**Is something you already, already know,**

**I can't live without,**  
**All I think about,**  
**All I want is you,**  
**You're all I dream about,**  
**I can't live without,**  
**All I want is you…**

* * *

Breech: THE END. KIND OF.

I'm so glad you loved this story so much! I never, EVER expected it to be so popular. I mean, I write a one-shot about Scourge contemplating on the logic of an 'Anti'-Universe, and then trying to kill himself, and it blows up into… this. I'm THAT awesome.

The story continues in "My Time Of Dying 2: Behind Blue Eyes" which should be up on my profile right about… NOW. This part of the story ended happily – kind of. If you like happy endings, stop reading now, because I absolutely cannot guarantee things going even slightly okay in the future.


End file.
